Please stop acting like I don't know what to do with my life My face's perfectly FINE the outbreak of humongous pimples were due to the fact that I was stressed and so what if my finger never heals so what they just peel away I don't care much just let it rot away
And now
You come in to screw my life up I know you mean well but I'm old enough thank you
//
After much contemplation I decided to go anyway
Up to the
Esplanade
Rooftop.
Finally fresh air cool breeze really hot sunshine clear blue sky pure white clouds but sweet solitude at last
away from noise away from everyone
I thought about life all the random nitty bitty stuff about the nightmare I had last night I woke up so scared I thought I lost everyone of my friends and you too
But sitting there alone didn't really help much I guess I didn't clear my mind so that I ended up only seeing a clear blue sky with cute puffy clouds I gave into silence and plugged in music all that came rushing back was the past
The wind that came slicing through comforted me for a few moments but that was it that was all I stared out into the waters and the people passing by
And I guess going there was a mistake too Esplanade was a place for lovers and not solitudes
But I had my own time anyway.
//
"Seen alot of broken hearts go sailing by Phantom ships lost at sea and one of them is mine"
//
Shian all they have to do is realize how to treasure and cherish cos when they are at the verge of losing or already lost they will know its too late to turn back
Cheer up girl you were there for me now I'm gonna be here for you
//
Teachers' Day Celebration together with stupid Car Boot Sale which almost booted out the atmosphere for all the good performances =/
Out at the quadrangle My group was the first item my solo item second I think I screwed up but nevermind
The rest of the performances were good too (:
JUSTINAAAAA (: (I love your hair)
JUSTINAAAAA & KERINE! (Ah shit I look like some small girl)
And the rest of the photos look horrible ):
Nonetheless HAPPY TEACHERS' DAY please alter our timetables make our days shorter and our lives less sufferable Thank You :D
//
And now one week break not just break but STUDY break HAH I have H2 Math and H1 Chem tests on the Mon I return to school I can almost smell failure in the air
I'm gonna repack my study area sort out books according to subjects (KENNY WHERE'S MY INT. HISTORY LECTURE FILE OH NO!)
//
"Raising my glass I sing a toast to the midnight sky I wonder why the stars don't seem to guide me
I didn't mean to fall in love with you And baby there's a name for what you put me through It isn't love its robbery I'm sleeping with the Ghost of You & Me
I hear the voices call Following footsteps down the hall Trying to save what's left of my heart and soul"
XOXO
/
Thursday, August 30, 2007
I'd gladly take a knife right now.
I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore if I do I'll scare myself
I admit I've been skipping meals Lunch especially but there's really just no time to eat and when it's about 4plus you'll just realize you can't be bothered at all
So I'm afraid of seeing this frail-looking girl staring back at me shaded dark eye-rings blotched face with fresh new pimples tired eyes and that lifeless fake smile
I'm that messed up and there's alot of things I haven't done
//
There's been far too much drama in school people entangled in cobwebs of relationships and ties
I need to get away away away from all the hustle and bustle isolate myself from the confusion and chaos for once and take some time on my own
So maybe I'll be staring out into the sky at Esplanade rooftop tomorrow and I'll wish you were there yes I'll wish so hard that you could be there
//
"What am I supposed to do with all these blues Haunting me everywhere no matter what I do Watching the candle flicker low in the evening glow I CAN'T LET GO when will this night be over
I didn't mean to fall in love with you."
XOXO
/
Monday, August 27, 2007
Been busy
//
What's so difficult?
You tell me.
//
Everybody read back remember recall it now and look how Envy stemmed
//
(PS. You don't have to know if this doesn't make any sense :)
XOXO
/
Sunday, August 26, 2007
I just finished crying ): cos I watched "A Walk to Remember"
But here's my favourite part it's uber sweet enjoy (:
XOXO
/
Sunday, August 26, 2007
"Been faraway for far too long"
Missed me? :D
I'm back, I guess after about one week or so from banishing myself from this place I just needed to get away
Hahas, isn't it sort of irritating that you guys don't hear a word from me?
But here I am once again
//
The last two weeks were fourteen days of hell from where did I draw my breath how did I stand and go on with my own two feet why did I still continue living despite the hope that flickers low
Time is cruel yup it is there's only as much as twentyfour hours a day Is it Too Much, or is it Too Little?
Busy as we are we need time for the things we're committed to and now I tell you I know and I understand :]
//
"I can't let you go"
& to that I'll say I know I can't too and I'll be there in all you do (oh, and get well soon :)
XOXO
/
Sunday, August 19, 2007
ARGH
Go away go away everybody just go I don't really wanna talk about anything
I'm stressed worried paranoid distracted afraid and alone
I can't do anything right the last thing I need is sympathy
so everyone just go away
//
"I NEED YOUR LOVE GODSPEED YOUR LOVE TO ME"
XOXO
/
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Well today I walked down the most painful path where every step triggered one memory the raindrops falling lightly from the sky I kept my arms folded for warmth from the cold I took each step as if I was just learning how to walk but my heart bit and my stomach churned At the end of the path a small cry had escaped my lips but I couldn't cry
This one place held too much but I have no choice but to walk through it everytime walk through every single detail to get to my Grams place.
//
Celebrated my First Aunt's birthday was practically stoning at the dinner table the food was really disappointing
I made her a paper heart out of a five dollar note in the train on the way back home
All my relatives seemed to expect me to pass my Promos and go up to J2 and then to the U I'm just so ashamed to tell them that I might retain that the winner they once knew has now been degraded to a failure ever since she's made the wrong turn.
//
Baby so I guess it's You & Me I'll wait and I'll hold on and promise to let me be the first to know.
XOXO
/
Friday, August 17, 2007
Somebody said - Play like a child fight like a warrior love with all your heart this loss will be met by a hurricane of love.
//
The irony of this is why I'm able to be strong and stand tall for others but yet I'm unable to be strong and stand tall for myself
I've fallen I'm still on the way to picking myself up but I just don't see my shadow up ahead
"Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself"
//
Just how strange I can be there for others but I can't be there for myself
//
Watching the one you've loved suddenly in the hands of the other hurts like crazy MeiNi - I understand I understood each painful tear that slid down your cheeks today and look how Heaven cried for you but please stay strong with me if you're not gonna give up
//
"How does he laugh how does he cry whats the colour of his eyes does he even realize I'm here - Where is he where is this beautiful guy who's gonna take me so high?"
XOXO
/
Friday, August 17, 2007
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BESTIE (:<3
And it's great seeing the rest of my girls - Kelin Ivy YuPing and guy - Brian (: Mmhmm
//
If being is without you then I don't wanna try
how hard it is just trying.
XOXO
/
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Patience, I realized is one of my best traits.
I guess spending my whole life waiting will be something I don't mind doing
Don't worry guys I'm feeling slightly better just slightly
//
If love was supposed to be blissful and perfect there wouldn't be so much pain and hurt If hurting while being in love was meant to make two people stronger there wouldn't be an end
But why?
Why does hurting and crying always come at the end perfection and love at the beginning?
Why do we always have to lose someone we've loved all our lives along the way?
Why do we need to go through so much pain why do we need so much time before we can mend the heart that has already burnt to ashes?
Why does fate have to twist the fairytales and change the endings?
XOXO
/
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Somebody's gotta tell me if there's a difference between letting go and giving up forgetting and pretending.
Do you know that it gets so much harder everyday to breathe even each morning I wake there just seems to be no more air
So yes it's this tough it's this hard
If only things were as simple as hitting the restart button if only I could pray and pray hard enough that things would be alright
//
Do you know I just hope you know
//
Why is there always crying and hurting at the end but love and perfection at the beginning?
XOXO
/
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
"It's not that I can't live without you it's just that I don't even want to try what can I do to get to you"
//
Appearance is not everything the trick lies in the eyes cos whatever happens they will betray you still they will show your feelings burning within and that is the Truth.
XOXO
/
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
I don't want anything to happen right now
//
"I don't know this could break my heart or save me
I don't know I could crash and burn but maybe At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me"
//
Some things always last
):
XOXO
/
Monday, August 13, 2007
I'm not myself today I'm sorry to the people whom I've made worried
Please just ignore me if you have to
I'm just stoning and spacing out waiting for my heart to break waiting for the tears to come
I was just so afraid I would break down and cry in front of so many people
You might not want to talk to me right now so I guess I won't bother you much but I'm still hanging on I hope you are too
I prayed to the stars the fairies the moon the sun I kept my hands clasped in prayer the whole night I wished so hard so so hard
I did the craziest things I ran home today from the MRT to home stopping to catch my breath then running again I raced time I thought when I reached home things would all be the same again but I guess not
I'm breaking down inside please believe me I really am I don't want another day like this anymore
XOXO
/
Sunday, August 12, 2007
All my fears are coming towards me all in one shot I'd rather die
Die and not face the emptiness the disappointment
//
"Eat more, Deb, there's so much more left" I'm sorry "She hardly ate less than half her lunch" I'm sorry I can't
I'd rather die
//
These are those moments when the pain has reached its end the point where every bone every muscle every fibre of my being wrecks and hurts
And it had to rain the thunder
I can't I won't I'm sorry please.
XOXO
/
Sunday, August 12, 2007
You know the first word I heard when I woke up this morning was "useless" the first feeling that stirred me awake was "fear" I couldn't breathe do you know how hard it was I felt as if all my limbs were distorted and being pulled out I felt as if my heart were emptied out and someone lit a fire and burnt it to ashes
I can't do this alone alright so please
XOXO
/
Saturday, August 11, 2007
There's alot of things to be done and settled tonight before I make my plans for tomorrow
I don't know I guess it's my favourite phrase I don't know what's on for me tomorrow what's important is that I get through today tonight
//
So yesterday was supposed to meet my PW group for a meeting but it got cancelled due to some info mix-up but I headed down to NLB to meet Shian and Mei Ni anyway
Had brunch at Macs and accompanied them from like one to five to do their EoM I was just so bored ): Left about 5.40PM to catch the tube down to Dover met Ai Shan took bus 74 down to NP to meet the rest
Kelin yo the performance was really cute and you did fine so no worries aye :]
The concert wrapped up at like 9.30PM we took a bus down to Pizza Hut at Bukit Timah Central for dinner that's when my stomach began to bite - I was having gastric
I tried to eat anyway but it got worse like it usually would Despite the pain I still managed to get the waiter to throw a mini-celebration for Ivy's birthday (:
Thanks for the evening guys I appreciate every moment of it :]
The weird thing was that after all my friends left the pain hit harder than ever it felt as if someone was twisting the contents of my stomach
I found my stomach bloated while I bathed at home I just felt so light-headed and in the first time in so many weeks I felt like puking so I popped a carbon pill (you know the black pill thing) and tried to sleep
'Twas a bad night I guess when I woke up the pain was still there
//
SSP this morning I was fifteen minutes late very unproductive today - I never got alot of work done =/
After that headed (once again) to NorthPoint with Shian to eat Yoshi (I tried the Kimchi Bowl =X) then we contemplated if we should go to NLB and we did
Shian slept while I completed my notes on the fifth floor in the open space and we went up to the eleventh floor where Shian picked some books relating to sex and we started reading =X
The sun was just about to set the moment I set foot onto my childhood place I walked alone just me and my music I watched the sky above I wondered how you were
//
My ringworm came back (I know, how horrifying) cos somehow the area just got itchy last night )): and my fourth right finger is peeling for no reason my hand just looks so mortifying argh
It looks like I have some disease with cuts everywhere
//
"In this endless summer we will be together & I don't want this feeling to ever end Looking back in November feel the sun and remember that when our time has finally come to past some things last some things always last"
XOXO
/
Thursday, August 09, 2007
It's finally sinking in the tightening of my throat the slice of pain the first drop of tear
Well I thought I could cos it was you who taught me to be strong it was you who said sometimes I gotta be without and I tried
some days I felt stronger the others I just felt numb
Now that there's nothing left I just need to cry
Reading back was a mistake I shouldn't have
I haven't seen much of you since Monday even if you didn't miss me I did and when I miss you it's crazy
Cindy I really don't know what's going on for us but the moment you sent me that message I was already down and your words made me want to cry right there right then
My strength's draining I wonder how long more I can hold out why am I always pretending to look strong when all I need is a place to hide a place to cry
I need to see you now.
//
Before I forget HAPPY 42ND BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE and I saved the fireworks tonight in my phone.
XOXO
/
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
I'm tired after I try to be strong it means facing the burning evening sun the looks of the commuters on the trains lowering my eyes to the ground so the bright light doesn't blind me reaching home to emptiness
I've learnt and I still am I didn't know I would have to
Anyway today's celebrations College Day + National Day + Track & Field were awfully boring most of the time I was walking around with Cindy practicing the song with Marcus and Kerine and even at one point of time diarrhea-ed at the second floor toilet )):
& on the tracks - That's Admiralty (MY HOUSE :) in red, Pierce (sweetheart's :) in orange and Canberra in yellow.
Seletar in green, and Rodney in blue.
Sorry for the ant-sized people I was sitting quite faraway from those houses from the grand stand =/
Everything ended about 11.50AM got changed and headed to NorthPoint with alot of people Shian, Char, Kerine, Lynard, Ai Shan, Hannah, Justina, Pei Shan bought the tickets (CHAR OWES ME 8 BUCKS :)
Yes I watched "Alone" )): scared the hell out of me lah CAN?! And Shian and Lynard still could "twist" to each other during the show! Siao one la I was covering my eyes and peeping through the holes of my fingers HAHA Ai Shan got so scared she asked for my MP3 and blasted the music and tried to sleep HAHA
But yeah it was fun, thanks guys but no more horror shows alright cos I'm going to sleep with the lights on tonight ):
Then Justina, Hannah, Ai Shan & Pei Shan left we walked around and I left Yishun for home at about 5.50PM
Yup that's about all
Tasks for tonight - EoM - History Essay (pointers) - Look through Organic Chem
Sighhh.
XOXO
/
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Maybe, just maybe.
Or maybe not.
What do you do when hope comes crashing down when there's nothing much to believe in anymore
There was this chain letter I got a few days back it said to circulate to at least twenty people and I'd get good luck pure nonsensical crap
Nevermind I don't want to believe anymore
//
I slept at 2AM last night now I just want to get a good night's sleep and forget all the pain
But then again the build up of homework Math Chem GP History
driving me insane
I just don't feel right somehow.
XOXO
/
Monday, August 06, 2007
(Thanks JunYan for the pic)
Can I say life SUCKS
The drama and more stage-play disappointing results demoralizing tests
and it feels like suddenly I don't know who I can trust it feels like suddenly everyone is a stranger
I don't know I don't wanna know
//
The oxygen you give that I breathe
XOXO
/
Sunday, August 05, 2007
I think I'm a deep thinker and I realized drumming my fingers on the keyboard to the sound of Black Eyed Peas isn't gonna help me blog the way I wanted to
So I'm playing "Home" by Chris Daughtry
Been busy and been slacking and been feeling nostalgic since yesterday
I don't know where to put all these words I don't seem to want to write it in my diary but somehow I will get these words out to get to you
//
I have dark rings right now because I woke up at 7.45AM on Saturday for SSP and 9.45AM today for tuition I feel a little tired but I still have work to do
//
I want to watch the fireworks this year I want the same old scene to come alive
XOXO
/
Saturday, August 04, 2007
I won't give a damn about the infinite number of homework I HAVE TO BLOG
Let's start with last week :] it's weird but somehow seeing wedding cakes and bridal gowns makes me happy I don't know don't ask
I saw a nine layer wedding cake at Bugis and it's EDIBLE -
But it's gone already when I went to Bugis today ):
//
So this week school's been so fast-paced and not to mention demoralizing
Watched the Simpsons movie yesterday okay it wasn't THAT funny just amusing and pool after that I don't know why I didn't play but yeah there was this one time where the black ball was precariously on the edge -
Come on blow wind blow
All it needs is just one slight tremble
//
And today SSP in the hall so there were teachers watching us after all I did my International History essay draft CSE essay test draft and I'm halfway through Differentiation
SSP's gonna be of help if you really sit down and focus which reminds me I must digress look at what they did when we all had to sign in this morning -
SSP Tracking System I don't know I just felt like punching the walls when I saw this How much more extreme could they get?
SSP ended headed to NorthPoint's Yoshinoya for lunch Justina accompanied me all the way to Bugis, National Library to work on my EoM (thank you :) finished about 5.15PM took the tube down to Grans and I saw FRANK :D :D sleeping -.-
So I decided to wear his army uniform -
and it's rare to see me that happy Frankie is a Guard now :] good ol'
//
It's the sense of nostalgia that brings me back the words are flowing like a river the memories surfacing all over again
XOXO
/
Friday, August 03, 2007
Hello world (:
My wireless got conked out yesterday couldn't enter Hotmail, Youtube & Blogger Dad couldn't check his Yahoo but Mom could check her Microsoft Outlook and DBS crap
I kept telling her the connection was conked out but she didn't believe me ): until she called Singtel
Felt cranky on and off must have been my sore throat and flu but it's better now, yup
(NewYork NewYork / Fish & Co.?)
School's been pretty okay but yet demoralizing (esp Chem)
Nothing much for now been mugging and doing my work like the person I always am I just hope you're okay
//
"Don't give up it's just the weight of the world when your heart's heavy I will lift it for you Don't give up because you want to burn bright if darkness blinds you I will shine to guide you"