I am tired of making my stand the whole time.
So I've decided - not to really care.
Flashbacks..
Sunday, 20 August, 7.50PMEven the minor mistake of falling.
Why are adults allowed to scold us for our smallest mistakes, and they themselves hide and run away from it?
Sometimes I just don't know how to face all of this.
Every weekend seems to be the same.
All the same.
There's never a weekend where I can hear us laughing and joking and fooling around with each other, sitting together as a whole. Never.
Its always us screaming. Scolding. Lecturing. When will this family ever be right?
So many years I've lived here, sure, there may be some happy moments we've spent together. But these moments have been too few. I can't even think of one.
Taking in a deep breath in this home I finally realized just keeps you in. It tinges me. And it does hurt.
Monday, 21 August, 6.45PMI know I'm facing a war. With both my parents. It had to start with my Dad.
I wake up every morning on a weekend and open my bedroom door to a smoke-filled living room. Then I totally lost it. The smoke just clings in the air like invisible leeches, and worst still, it clings onto you.
I wake up and walk through a gas chamber, and the hurl of scolding slaps me in the face. My Mom.
Things have changed.
I'm facing a war. Every weekend. And I don't want to go back home on Friday anymore.
Wednesday, 23 August, 7.05PMI look in the mirror now and I see so many different people.
When I saw my Mom today, there was this stab at my heart as the words she said that day fleeted through my head again, but somehow I managed to push it aside.
Still, my mom doesn't understand.
Because this whole family thing is getting more fucked up than I expected.
The most hurting thing of all is she says that I’m like my Dad now.
Am I? Am I just pushing her aside and doing what I want to make myself happy? Am I hurting her without myself knowing it?
Am I turning into someone I hate most?
Am I really like my Dad?
Its really fine with me, if I have to stay here at Grams.
Because going home – I just get to feel the whole fucked up shit again.
I'd rather stay here and not get hurt.
And yes I'm sorry for all the hurt I caused her.
She said if I chose to stay here, she'll know what to do.
Disown me?
I don't believe she said that. That I'm turning into my Dad. Am I? And why is she the only one who can see it?
She just wants me to forgive her with just one hug.
These typa things DON'T work out that way.
She thinks she can just clear it all up with just one hug. And make this whole family right again.
Where do such miracles happen?
She kept putting the blame on me, that I'm giving her this kind of fucked up attitude because of what happened that day.
And I know, if we just forgive and forget now, and I go back on Friday, things will just return back to what it was, another start of a cold war.
My eyes are sore from all the crying, and my nose is running. There's no one else who can spur me on now other than my friends.
I wish she would just put herself in my shoes for once.
7.51PMMy eyes hurt and they look really sore.
My wrists are crying out for the penknife.
Everytime I cry too hard, I just need the penknife.
Slit my wrists open and watch the blood flow.
But I'll never do that.
Thursday, 24 August, 7.52PMI woke up this morning with the words going through my head. But I didn't want to cry for things that were not worth crying for.
Brian, Ai Shan and Yan Ting said I would never become like my Dad, and I never will be.
But still. Didn't they say you would become the person that you hated most?
I didn't really care much. Because all my friends were going through the same thing.
Somehow, we're just in this together.
Let off some steam during PE by just running around the field and playing soccer.
Then badminton after ISP.
Much much better here at Grams.