It's always good to meet up with old friends,
and be surrounded by the warmth and familiar faces again.
The smiles, the laughter, the fun and all the joy.

Although squash practice was optional today,
I went to train for an hour or so.
OH OH.
Before that we celebrated KENNY'S birthday (((:
Nice strawberry cake! :D :D

I was with Char, QingYi, Justina and Kerine =)
Thank yous for accompanying me.

Despite my badly sprained NECK since yesterday,
I smashed and whacked the ball today.
I still can't do the throw-the-ball-at-the-wall-and-hit-it-straight-thing.
Oh well.

After training I left school with sweetheart,
and we rushed down to meet HengSin, Kash, YuHwang, Kevin and YeSheng at Dhouby Ghaut.
They wanted to play pool so we ended up walking EVERYWHERE just to find a place.
In the end they didn't let us in cos sweetheart and I were in half-U.
I felt so bad ):

So we just had dinner.
Then home.

Yup.
I still got my NYAA to settle.
And so many stupid decisions.
And my MSN decided to hang on me right now.

ROAR.

I haven't been doing much today,
so I'm feeling a little bit guilty.

My ass and legs and arms are aching from squash on Wed,
and I wonder if I should train tomorrow since it is optional.

Decided to go for NYAA this year to attain my Silver.
): Hopefully it won't be so busy.

I'm kinda tired now, actually.
Being the GP rep really takes alot of effort,
but I feel good,
when I feel busy.

Slightly worried about my Chem tho.
Hmmm.

Lets see if this post on Mozilla Firefox lets me upload photos.
I don't think so.

Ahh.

Fear is something you deal with better when someone is by your side(:

I have-

1. Astraphobia: Fear of thunder and lightning.

2. Atelophobia: Fear of imperfection.

3. Autophobia: Fear of being alone.

4. Necrophobia: Fear of death or dead things.

5. Tronitrophobia: Fear of thunder.

Thats about it.
I think.

It's alright if you don't remember,
cos I'm reviving them for you.

During CSE today,
Kenny was making me laugh.
It was just so quiet in the class,
but I was the only one suppressing my laughter.
Cos Mr Lim said, "The Emperor is called 'Jun Zi'. What is the Empress called?"
Then Kenny had to go in an American accent,
"Lim peh."

I laughed so silently I just wanted to scream it out.

Math was like a total waste of time cos
Mr Goh took half an hour to check our tutorials.
Then he marked me down for my presentation.
I don't know why he keeps picking on me ):

One and a half hours of Chem in LT4,
I was freezing and trying to focus.
=( It was just so hard knowing I had nobody there to cheer me on.

GP was alright,
Lynard and me ended up talking and singing songs from operas -.-
Don't ask why.

Went for House Meeting next,
which was overall dumb.
Admiralty =/
Lucky got no people I don't like.

Squash CCA next,
I don't know how the J2s can be so encouraging.
My right arm started to ache after I served a few rounds,
yet they just cheered me on.

Left school at 7.05 and took a cab back home at the MRT.
The meter was my only way of seeing if I was near to home.
Skies were dark by now,
and traffic was heavy.
I felt so empty, so alone in that cab.
Just the driver and me.
I felt like I had nothing left.
Maybe you weren't there with me.

Would you look into your heart,
find the memories,
would you feel like you want to relive them?
If you don't,
then will you still remember me
at the end of the world?

There's no rain, no lightning, no thunder that lasts forever.
Like the one this morning.

I woke up to the flash of lightning across my room,
the faint but fierce rumble of thunder faraway,
rain,
a slanting sheet of needles,
drumming down on the pavements beneath.

My heart caught in my throat.
I was afraid,
and I woke up to my second greatest fear.

It was as bad getting to school =(
I don't know how I survived.
Thanks sweetheart <3

I know sometimes I make things hard for you,
but I guess I'm just tired,
from everything we're put through.
I know I'm an ass,
after reflecting today,
and I want to say I'm sorry,
and that I'll try to be better.

I feel fat wearing my aunt's tank top ):
And my hips feel suffocated in this very tight jeans.

It's only tight at the hips.
Am I really growing?

What a weird question.
=/

I feel like swearing.

I just wonder when any day will be MY day,
except for my BIRTHDAY.

Its just not my day anymore.
Not my happy-everyday-go-ha-ha-ha day.

ARGHHHH.
FUCK LAH.

I don't know why I'm so angry.
Must have been keeping too much of it inside.

Might as well sleep.

I feel too tired to be doing any work today.

Farrking doctor's appointment tomorrow.
Sweetheart's one is earlier.
Sleep earlier k?

And my Mom still think shes everything.

Praying for tomorrow to be better.
='/

I'm tired.

But I'm more tired inside.

But at least, what could have been,
already has been.
Now its called the past.

There's still something inside me which wants to go back to the past.
The other half tells me to accept things, and move on.

Reality.

It happens,
but it wrecks.

"Never look back, we said,
How was I to know,
I missed you so.

And you didn't hear all the joy through my tears,
all the hopes through my fears,
did you know?
Still I miss you somehow."

Funny.

Personality test I took in GP today wasn't that accurate.

It turns out that I'm more confronting (the owl) than soothing (the teddy bear).

I'd rather be a teddy bear.
Cos I have one of my own (=
I missed out on being a teddy bear by just one point.

So what makes me so confronting?
These are the points I strongly agreed on that made me an owl.
Ew. Of all animals.

-Come now and let us reason together.
(Isn't it good to reason things out?)

-Truth lies in knowledge, not in majority opinion.
(Isn't this true?)

-No person has the final answer but every person has a piece to contribute.
(Agree?)

-Only the person who is willing to give up his or her monopoly on truth can ever profit from the truths that others hold.
(Isn't this not right?)

-Bring your conflicts into the open and face them directly; only then will the best solution be discovered.

-Frankness, honesty and trust will move mountains.
(Totally agree)

-By digging and digging, the truth is discovered.
(Hmmm.)

So what are the other points I agreed on that make me a sooooooothing teddy bear? (=

-Soft words win hard hearts.
(True.)

-Smooth words make smooth ways.
(Yeahhh.)

-Kill your enemies with kindness.
(I'll seriously spare you. I'm a teddy bear! =)

-Kind words are worth much but cost little.
(It doesn't take much to say something nice, does it?)

-Soft words ensure harmony.

-Gentleness will triumph over anger.
(Yuuup.)

-When one hits you with a stone, hit him or her back with a piece of cotton.
(Nono. Slap him or her.)

Aight,
thats me for you.

On a random note,
I love my sweetheart <3
Lol =]

I realized,
the more you hide,
the more you pretend,
the greater the hurt,
the more the tears,

the longer the nights,
the harder the day,
the slower the minutes,

but yet..
I know I do still..
Feel that way..
It's something that I can't change,
each time I look,
I realize,
no matter how many times I've shed the tears,
or actually felt hurt,
I'd still feel the same,
everytime,
everytime..
I see you.

I'm feeling better to be blogging today,
and so,
I pray hard that it won't ever change.

I've made another resolution,
is to never be weak,
and never cry again.
Everybody cries,
but so what?
I need to learn.

These few days I've been waking up,
in the middle of the night,
at 4AM,
5AM,
finally I countdown till 6.25AM.
Getting up is a chore,
but I just have to force myself to.

I thought my Dad changed.
Just last week everything was just fine.
But when I finished bathing this morning,
I stepped into the living room,
a stench of cigarette lingering in the air.
I was not surprised.

To think he still wanted to hide it from me.
It's not like I can't smell.
It's not like I can't see.
I refused to see,
but the stench that once I thought would be gone,
came back.

Let him.
Nothing we can do, right?

And the truth about my friends today,
I'm half glad they told me,
but half scared.
I don't know why I was.
Suddenly I was just hit with the real thing.
I never dreamt that I would end up.. like this.
But that doesn't mean it will change our friendship.
Of cos not.
They're the ones that I have,
and no matter who they are,
I'll stick with them.

And there's a FARKING Chinese test tomorrow.
AHH.

Things are still the same,
no matter how much I want it to change.
Past,
present,
future.
Oh well.

The bad dreams I had last night,
don't affect me much anymore but I just pray,
that it won't come back again.

Tomorrow's the start of another week,
I pray all things will go smoothly.
Surprisingly I do feel a little happy,
cos it's like,
there's school for me,
things for me to learn,
time to get busy,
learn how to make sacrifices.

To my sweet knight,
I know it's gonna be hard,
but remember no matter what happens,
I need you to hang in there,
and just don't give up, k?
Cos I'm here for you.
Always.

"The memories of our loving,
still linger in the air.
Like the faded scent of your roses,
they stay with me everywhere."

If I wake up with tears in my eyes,
it means I have been crying through my nightmare.

It always happens when I'm down.

All I remember is,
there were 3 continuous nightmares.
Each a different story.

Just hope I get to sleep well tonight.

"I'm swimming against the tide,
and I'm praying for a lifeline."

Today,
I learnt to be independent,
going places without you,
getting back home, without you.

"It's not that I can't live without you,
it's just that I don't even want to try."

I didn't try.
But it was time to, anyway.

It wasn't that difficult.
Being with different people, somehow,
makes me feel good about myself.

But why do I still feel so down today?

Life is so unpredictable.
At the end of the day,
it boils down to one thing.

YOU.

Its simple, but complicated.

I prefer not explaining it now cos,
I'm just far too tired to think.

AiShan came over today,
apparently to study.
But I was blasting music,
and we ended up talking.

Sweetheart came over at 2,
and bought lunch for me <3s!
Ate at the dining table,
and AiShan ended up playing MapleStory in my room.

Fooled around,
laughed and sang,
just didn't study.
Lol =X

At 4plus, sweetheart accompanied me to the post office,
it was just 2 mins walk,
and he said, "So farrr."

Apparently there was a letter from Innova JC yesterday,
that was supposed to be delivered at my doorstep.
I think I did hear the postman call,
but I don't know WHY I did not answer the door.
-.-

So I got this really dumb letter from IJC,
which went,

Your child was posted to Innova Junior College, effective 7 Mar 2007. Your child had not reported since then. (DUH)
The college requires a written withdrawal form to confirm her withdrawal. Kindly fill up the attached Withdrawal Form ...
If we do not hear from you or your child by 19 March 2007, with a satisfactory explanation for her absence, your child will be liable to be struck off the register.

Sounds scary,
but,
they are seriously the meanest toots I've ever come across.

I mean, like,
HELLO?
The freaking principal of IJ signed the withdrawal slip.

I showed my Mom,
and she went,
"Want to show them your evidence?"

I'm like,
"Haiyer, forget it."

Its really dumb.
Sweetheart was right.
I should have never gone to the post office.

*$$*@!*%^^)&$(*^%

Anyway.

At 5plus, three of us took the train down to Tiong,
Daddy picked Mummy and me there,
and picked Grandma and First Aunt for dinner at East Coast,
No Signboard Restaurant.

I think it was the stupid sharks' fin,
that contained so much MSG,
that it numbed my upper cheeks.
And I also think it was the damn sharks' fin,
that was so filling,
that I couldn't enjoy my Mee Goreng.

Haiyer.

But good day, overall.

For some others out there,
never give up on the things,
which you think,
it might be the end.
There's no end,
not until you give up.
If you hold on long enough,
it'll see you through.
So stay strong.
And be happy.

=]

Apparently,
Internet Explorer did not allow me to use the font size tool.

So,
I downloaded M.F.
Now don't think dirty.
Mozilla Firefox, you dummy.

Lets see if this works.

Generally,
all girls are weak inside.
Aren't they?
If you aren't,
I know I am.

I chose to be weak,
and looked on the negative side on things.
So much to the extent that it all made me cry.
I chose to cry.
I didn't choose to be strong.

Now I regret,
but what's the point?

Sweetheart has cheered me up considerably today,
and I appreciate you ALWAYS bringing out the best in me.
Loves; <34567>

I figured out,
I took it for granted.
Cos everyday you were by my side,
so I felt strong.
Never did I think of the days,
where you will be taken away.
Probably I just did not prepare myself for these days,
to breathe and be strong even without you.

True, I admit,
without you is having my strength stripped away.
But you're right,
if I don't learn now,
when will I learn?

And I made a resolution to be happy.
I'll still stick to it.

FUCK LAAAH. Whats wrong with my blog? They said, someday, I will understand. But I don't think I ever will.

When you make a resolution, you need to stick with it. Live by it. Breathe in it. I made a resolution to be happy. And I will be. Failing on my first day, doesn't mean I will fail on the consecutive days. On this resolution journey, probably I may learn alot more things. So I need to stop procrastinating, need to stop being so bitchaaaay. And start taking things as they are. Cos this IS reality, and we (you and me) need to face up to it. Ciao.

So. To my friends. To my past, I cannot express my gratitude, for all the times you've been there for me. Sure, I've been wrong, but I still need you to understand, that a relationship is a relationship, and that there are certain sacrifices that we (YOU and ME), need to make every now and then. I know sometimes you just want to leave me out, knowing I won't be there, its cos you gave up, knowing that I would turn you down. Its my fault, I admit, for allowing it to happen, for letting you think that I must always be with him, so I can hang out with you guys. I want to prove to you that you're wrong. I may feel much weaker without him, but I'm not saying it can't be done. Why don't you try again? Just know, that whenever you need me, call, I'll definitely be there. Cos I'm still your friend. So to my best friend, close friends, not-so-close friends, acquaintances, wherever you are, whoever you may be, I'm always here for you. To my present, I found my happiness with you, and I hope I don't make the same mistakes, in the years to come. Cindy, Elizabeth, SiMin, Alex, Justina, Xuan Kai, Min Shian, Charlene, Li Yun, Lynard, Jun Yan, you're my joy, and I don't want to destroy our friendship, by making the same mistakes. We might not know each other too well now but, I just want you guys to know, I'll always be someone you can count on. Much loves to you all; <34567 =]

Its about time for a change, and I will make it this time. I can't stand being upset everytime I'm with you, and then you get all worried about me. I just don't want to hurt you that way anymore. I know I need to find myself back. The girl who knew how to take it all in her stride, the one who will always look on the positive side of things. Finally, my strength is all coming back. It just takes time, maybe. I saw my dad on the lift on the way up to my flat today. He reached out for me, and hugged me while his arm wound around my neck. I felt like that little girl he used to reach out for, ten years ago. A mixed flood of feelings filled my heart, captured the core, and made my eyes mist. What was it - pain, regret, gratefulness? Happiness? Then he asked me, "Where did you just come back from?" I said, "Dinner." He said, "Daddy brought dinner." And lifted up his plastic bag which contained his favourite meal - curry rice with crackers. I smiled. More later. (=

Thought there'd be no more tears tonight. Maybe more.

I wonder where I draw my strength from, to continue thinking, and pen my thoughts down on this blog. I guess I just need to seek strength. And keep praying. After spending today with you, I want you to know, you healed the scars, dried the tears, and made me smile and laugh, all over again. And it came that easily. There was no need to learn. Being with you, is being myself. Everything falls in naturally. Thats the beauty of us. Of you and me. Safe when I'm with you, safer when I'm close to you. Tonight, tho' we did the things we used to every Sunday, tonight, somehow, felt different. Maybe its cos our destinies are changed. Maybe its cos we both can see a glimpse of our future, thats why now we take every chance, every moment, every second, not for granted. If only there lasted forever in a night, I pray, that wherever you might be in the future, you will remember me, return to find me, so we can really make forever last in every night we spend, together.

Last night, I finally found my tears, lost the harsh, biting pain that I thought would always remain in my heart. There was no pain, just numbness through my veins, like suddenly, I was just an unfeeling human being. The tears just kept coming, like a dam, each time I closed my eyes and opened them, another torrent fell. I cried harder when I hugged Clover to me, until her fur on her head was damp with my tears. Its hard, drying your own tears. Its harder, crying to yourself. Its even harder, waking up the next morning, but wanting to crawl back into bed, and start the night all over again. I'm sorry that I'm still weak. Perhaps I just need more time.

After I get through all these hurdles, I sincerely hope, that I emerge a stronger person. Still I admit, I'm not so strong now. I'm weakened by the months, my fears, my doubts, the thoughts that circulate tirelessly around my head, every day, every night, the moment I wake, the moment I sleep. I'm exhausted, emotionally, from finding the tears to cry, from the hot searing pain in my heart, a feeling like someone just pressed hot burning coals to my chest, biting, harsh, gripping anguish, half tearing my heart, the other half travelling up towards my eyes. I've been crying, and I'm not ashamed to write it on this blog. So what? Everybody cries. The hardest thing is crying with yourself, to yourself, by yourself, in the darkness, only with a shaft of light streaming in through that locked door. The next hardest thing is drying your tears, rubbing your eyes, putting a fake smile on your face, and hugging those who mean the world to you like nothing ever happened. Like there was never a heartbreak. Like everything was fine. It finally dawned upon me, through all the pain these months, that I've finally lost the strength to be strong. I dwell too much on things that make me cry. I thought they wouldn't, but they do anyway. Two different futures, but one single, bonded promise. How long more? Godspeed the years, I pray. Thats all I ask. My head hurts too much to think right now.

I miss you Miss you so bad I don't forget you Oh its so sad I hope you can hear me I remember it clearly I wish that I could see you again I keep asking why And I can't take it It wasn't fake it Happened you passed by Somewhere you're not coming back - "Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne

I don't need to see the disapproving looks of people now. Nor do I need any comments or criticisms. All I ask is for support. Even if you don't like what I do, just try a little harder to support and accept my decision. If not, bugger off can? ARGH.

Sometimes, I get through one day, and I still don't understand why. How do you prepare, when you love someone this way To let them go a little more each day?

Right now, I can't describe my emotional state to you. All I know is that I'm still afraid. Very afraid. My world is still in a tumultous state, until, I don't know when. I just want to cry. Maybe this song can help. But still. It doesn't entirely cover up everything I feel. BEAUTIFUL - JENNIFER PAIGE I'm looking for a way to feel you hold me To feel your heartbeat, just one more time I'm reaching back, trying to touch the moment Each precious minute that you were mine How do you prepare, when you love someone this way To let them go a little more each day? The stars we put in place The dreams we didn't waste The sorrows we embraced The world belonged to you and me The oceans that we crossed The innocence we've lost The hurting at the end I'd go there again cos it was Beautiful It was beautiful Some days missing you was overwhelming When it hits me you're not coming back And in my darkest hours, I have wondered Was it worth it for the time we had? My thoughts get kinda scattered, but one thing I know is true I bless the day that I found you The stars we put in place The dreams we didn't waste The sorrows we embraced The world belonged to you and me The oceans that we crossed The innocence we've lost The hurting at the end I'd go there again cos it was Beautiful It was beautiful The rules we stepped aside The fear we defied The thrill of the ride The fire in our hearts that burned The oceans that we crossed The innocence we lost The hurting at the end I'd go there again cos it was Beautiful It was beautiful It was so beautiful

Usually I find it easy to put in words what I want to say. But this time, I find that its getting harder and harder. I'm becoming more shelled up, more quiet, more distant, I don't want to be this person. I want to be someone who can talk about everything and anything. But she seems like shes's fading away. I feel too mixed-up inside, perhaps. A brand new start, and I don't know whats on for me tomorrow, the day after next. The weeks, the months, the years. Sometimes I just need a random hug now and then. So that I know somebody understands. Sometimes I feel like breaking down. Especially when I'm alone. I know one day I will just break down, disintegrate, fade away, and disappear. If I don't continue to be strong, and if I don't continue to be positive in my outlook. I will only appear weak and vulnerable to others. But hais. There's too many things going on in my head. Too cluttered, too messed up, too wrecked, too tired to think. I pray hard, and I pray harder, that it will get me through tomorrow. PLEASE.

So today. I accepted whatever that came my way. I called the MOE service hotline at exactly 8am, and the automated woman over the line told me, "Innova Junior College, Arts." My heart sank. My fingers trembled. Stay strong, I told myself. Stay strong. After a series of calls to people, from people, text messages to and fro, I decided to just walk out of school and appeal into Jurong JC. Before I left I saw Cindy and Elizabeth. Knowing that I was leaving, and never coming back tomorrow, Liz hugged me and so did Cindy. You just couldn't how much it hurt at that moment. Suddenly my world had came crashing down. My friends I've made, will now be taken away. The security guard didn't let me out, cos I didn't have a early leaving form. One girl, I saw, just ran off and it really pissed the guard off. It brought me back to that day at Henderson itself, when I tried walking into school with my home clothes. Other students did the same too, and it caused much trouble and people were upset. Somehow I knew it would be wrong for me to just run out like that girl did, no matter how desperate I was. So I went back, reached the office breathless, and asked my CT for a early leaving form. I needed the Principal's approval, and you know what she said to me when she heard I got a f***ing 19 points (I know how pathetic I am) and that I was trying to appeal into JJ? She said, "I don't think you can get in. Did you put YJ as one of your choices?" !#%$^*()_(*$#@&(%!~&)+)*&$# That was it. I stared at her in disbelief. "No, sorry," was my reply. Took the form and walked out the long stretch of pavement that led me out of the school. I saw the grateful smile the guard gave me when I passed the form to him, and I couldn't help but smile back, feeling both a sense of peace flood my heart, together with a searing pain that throbbed in my veins. I walked out of the gate onto the road pavement, and never looked back. It took me half an hour from Yishun to Jurong East, then I had to change train to get to Lakeside. At Lakeside, I tried to recall the bus number that sweetheart and I took the previous time we were there. I couldn't remember, plus, my phone battery was running low. After asking around, it was the bus number 204. Somehow my memory got to me, and I knew exactly where to stop, got off, walked and reached Jurong. Thats where the hassle started. I got the appeal form and filled in everything, stapled my O-level results slip and CCA record behind. Sweetheart told me to appeal thru Choir. And so I did. I asked the office staff if I could appeal through Choir, they said, I had to talk to the Principal or VP. Me: Are they in at the moment? Office Staff: No, they're all in a meeting. Me: Err. About how long will they take? Office Staff: I really have no idea. Another !@$%&*((%^#(&% So I went out of school, walked to the nearest HDB blocks, and sat there for an hour. Went back in at 12. The security guard asked me what I was doing, so I explained the whole story to him. Looks like guards are really nice people. Anywayyy. Finally I talked to the P or the VP (I don't care which), and he said I had to go to the PE department if I wanted to appeal thru Choir. So fine. P/VP: You know how to get to the PE department? Me: Uhh. No. P/VP: Okay. Walk down the corridor and turn left, and walk all the way down to the end. The PE room is parallel to the field. Me: Oh. Okay. Thanks. So &%#*)_&$$) again, I went. It was like some never ending road. I walked past the canteen, a cafe called "Knowledge Box", a bubble tea shop called "Sizzling Ice", some room called "Jurong Affinity", signboards screaming house names, music rooms, squash courts, more music rooms, finally the PE room. Went in, and the student leader told me, the teachers were out for lunch. Me: What time will they be back? A very nice girl: You can try 12.30. Me: Thanks so much! So fine. I walked all the way back to outside the General Office again, and waited for another half an hour. When I went back to try again, the PE head I saw seemed optimistic. There seemed, at that moment, a flicker of hope. And he ended up saying, "You need to look for the choir teacher." One more time. *&^%#@&()&$#))_@! So walked back to GO AGAIN, and asked the office staff if the choir teacher was around. "No," they said, "She's not at her desk. Maybe you can try again later at 1 or 2 o'clock if you're lucky?" That was IT. My stomach was rumbling with hunger. Hasty decision - I walked out of school, cabbed back home, lightened my bag and grabbed lunch. Don't waste time, I told myself. Go go go. In a hurry I left the house again, flagged a cab and reached Jurong at 1.35PM. Still no contact. No choice, had to wait. While waiting made a new friend. He didn't seem spontaneous though. Finally at 2.25PM, things came through. Another choir teacher came to see me, and looked through my appeal form plus my CCA record. It boosted my chances, because firstly, I was in the SYF before, and secondly, my leadership points were high. Quite. So after a few questions, I could finally leave JJ, a burden off my shoulders. On the bus to the interchange, she called me, and told me to come back for an audition tomorrow. So I was thinking, if she didn't consider at all, she wouldn't have told me to come back. So there IS a chance. I hope. Pray for me ok? All I ask, is not a separation, but at least, somewhere close. At least, things won't have to be that bad. At least, we can work something out. I really really hope I can make it through. If not? If not, then what? Not much of a choice left. Everyday feels like its last. So when will it be?

Tomorrow, please give me the strength to get by, to move on, to accept, and if its good, give me a chance to rejoice, to cherish, to be grateful, if otherwise, give me strength for another second try. I seek comfort, I pray.

Like I said, on this blog, I decide to be true. So I don't care who's reading it. I don't care who's not reading it. This is my space to get my thoughts out. The reason why I was so quiet, and you said I looked lost today, was cos there were too many things running through my head. Things like? I don't know. Stuff like tomorrow, the day after, the day after next, the months, the years, the future. What is going to happen tomorrow? Where will I be? And I want you to really take care of yourself, so you can avoid the surgery. Even though you might recover, but I don't want you to go through the same pain I did, 4 years ago. Its too tormenting, too torturous, even for my family and friends, to watch me suffer after my operation. I don't want you to go for a surgery. I can't bear to see you go through the same pain I did. Once is enough. Twice is far too much. There's alot in my heart that I want to say. A soul thats overflowing with brimming thoughts, words and emotions. I can't explain what I feel, and now I just can't put into words what I want to say. All I know is, I want you to be well. I don't want you to suffer no more. I want you to be happy, even if time and distance were to pull us apart, even if things don't go our way. I want you to be strong, in times of need when I can't be there for you, I wish you strength so you can pull through. I want you to never lose hope, cos it is your light that will guide you, perhaps, to me, if we ever may be separated one day. So you, my dear readers, whoever you are, should know quite clearly by now what it is I'm afraid about. Its just.. My future. Ours, to be more specific. I get by each day, hoping and thinking that there would be a rewind button somewhere, I could press, go back in time, and relive memories of my friends and I, loved ones and I all over again. You want that too, don't you, reader? Perhaps you may be living in regret. Or maybe you just want to start all over again. But there's no stopping now, and I wish I could just wake up from this dream, where no replay button exists. So.. What now?