HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX!! :D :D If I post the pics up here, my whole blog would be screwed so I'm thinking twice. HOPE YOU HAD FUN SMEARING CAKE ALL OVER OUR FACES. LOL. Anywayyyy. I seem to have a lil' sore throat now. How unlucky. I may go to the Prefects' camp on Friday and Saturday to help. They need a photographer. So I'm like, ok. I really don't mind. I only mind the gossip, the words whispered behind my back? Yep. Oh well.

The fact is, I am better today. Staring at the blanks of this empty space that waits for me to fill it up, through the eyes of a soul that surprisingly, hurts no more, and does not wish to hurt anymore. I feel refreshed, just much much better. I'm glad. Hopefully I'm past the depression stage, and coming back to who I am. People change, don't they? And when you've realized they did, some disappoint you, some really piss you off. But whatever it is, I've put it behind me. No point carrying all the shit with me. Need to make room for my happiness, for my life. Thinking back on why I was just so upset, so affected, so I-just-want-to-cry-but-I-can't-find-my-tears-to, maybe it was because, I was just reminded by the negatives in the past, the fear of the present, and a big question for the future. Its too much to think about. So might as well let it go. And go on like it never happened.

And strangely enough, when I hold that keychain, the hurt all comes rushing back.

Nothing seems to be helping anymore. This harsh, painful, hot, searing pain that rips my heart. I'm only strong enough to admit, that finally my tears have fallen, wet on my fingers. When will I ever get through this? For now, weak is what I am. I hope not for long.

Maybe I just need a break. Away from everybody. This weekend perhaps. Yuppp.

My life, has it changed? I really don't know. Some things are still the same. My everyday life, how do I feel about it? I guess I still feel a lil' upset, though I know all he wants me is to be happy. I get irritated easily, and I get angry fast. Its just not what I am. Probably its just whats been happening in my family, my father, perhaps. Give me some time, to find the Debbie everyone used to know back. I don't feel like myself. During certain moments, yes, I do. But when friends go away, when my sweet protecter leaves me, I feel like, I'm another person. Probably its just.. I don't know. Somehow I've already learnt how to switch to who I am, when I'm with people, but I'm just not who I am, when I'm by myself. You saw it for yourself today, sweetheart. Every week's not my week. Even being with you, though it makes me feel happy, but when I think, I retreat into another girl, that I don't know. Something's wrong with me, and I don't know what. Must have been my family stuff, thats messing up every damn thing there is inside. Only I can help myself now.

I watched this and cried again.

I just had salmon sushi for supper.

Whee.

If I could cry, I would cry like never before. The past of everything, family, friends, loved ones, seem to have gone. Some don't remember. Some do. Tears fill up behind my eyelids, but they don't fall. What was past is now gone. What's the point? Might as well pretend I never had a past at all.

I am very pissed off with homework. Very very very. Please do not provoke me.

Okay. Lets show you some terror faces of my clique people. =)

Lets start with me.
Apparently I seem to have frozen in that picture.

Forget the past, and move on. So went to school today. Morning assembly as usual. Only three of P21 were there. Kenneth, me and Isis. The rest were simply MIA. Math lecture next. Arithmetic Progression and Geometrical Progress. Huh? Mr Goh teach I totally catch no ball. Math tutorial. Mr Tan set us a few questions. Cindy and I were 3/4 lost. GP was in the same venue as Math Tutorial. I couldn't stand it for another one and a half hours. So the three of us in Math Tutorial (Cindy, JiaWan & I) fled out of class. Had like 4 hour break. =P International history at 2 o'clock, we watched this really kan cheong show. Like Prison Break. Just that Prison Break keeps hanging on me on Episode 21 =( Went for Chemistry next. Beginning to like this class alot, somehow. :D Must be Miss Chua's infectious enthusiasm. Last, International History tutorial. It was a quiet 40 min period, just had to do a stupid worksheet. Thats school. Had dinner with sweetheart, took the train back, and got off at the wrong side again. Haiyoh. Thats it then. And off I go. Let me know, when you've realized the depth of your mistake. Till then, its too late to be forgiven. Have you been writing this manuscript your whole life? I don't want to know.

I realized, that you are someone, that lacks responsibility. I cannot depend on you, to do the things that I want to. Even Mummy said so. I remembered making a vow, about a year ago, it said, never to cry a tear for you. That time I cried so much all cos of you, something told me, its not worth it. I'd rather put my faith into some other people I barely even know, put my strength into the ones who love and truly care for me, rather than try to understand you. So this is it, I guess. Whether you want to save yourself, is up to you. Half your life's being sucked away. The rest of it, will depend on solely you alone.

Let's just recall those times when you tried to be someone I didn't know you would be. Now that the act has fallen through, those times, were times of pretence? Remembering the day when I had to choose my paths between JC or Poly, you spoke to me like you should have many years ago. Like how Mummy would, telling me to decide carefully, make the right decision and go with it. When I was at my first crossroads many years ago, I remembered you weren't there to tell me all this. But why now? Why pretend that you care? Was it because of the audience you had? That people were around us, and you spoke to me like how a real father should have MANY YEARS AGO, to show how you played the role of a father to me? It's just so wrong. I keep thinking you'd change. After you found that job, after those days I saw you spend most of your mornings sipping coffee, hunched over ads in newspapers and calling up agents. I thought it would change you. But how could I have been so stupid? That drinking and cigarettes still revolved around your life. Addictive drugs that you couldn't get rid of. Am I right? Remembering only a few days ago, as I sat beside you while I accompanied Frank have his dinner, and suddenly you talked about making the right choice again. Blablabla. There was an audience for you. To show them the authority you had over me. Respect, perhaps. But to me, all of that is gone. It was rage that came over me. The real you didn't care about which institute I went to. The real you didn't even care for this family. You were just another item for a stageplay that day. Another one of my cousins came into the kitchen and asked for a pair of slippers she could wear. I told her, "Take mine, I'm going up." As I stood, you grabbed my wrist, so hard it hurt, I had to force myself loose. Tears stinging my eyelids, I left the kitchen. Pretence. You need to stop writing this script for yourself. I didn't need the alarm to wake me up this morning. The night before, you had asked Mummy to drop you somewhere so you could meet your friends. To gamble, to drink? I don't want to know. All I knew was I had a feeling you'd never return by 1AM and get your sleep so you could send me to school in your stupid new car today. The time read 6.24AM. Mummy came into the room, told me you were drunk. I let out a cry of surprise, my heart sinking. What now? You told Mummy to put me in a cab. Am I that insignificant to you? Did you think about sending me to school this morning? Did you think that you needed to get back and sleep so you could wake up? Did you? You didn't. This is the real character you have. Am I right? I turned over in bed, not feeling a thing for you. Disappointment, maybe. Knowing that I can't trust you to do things for me, for us, for this family. At 6.35AM I heard the gate being unlocked and you were home. Is this what you are? You change. I know you did. Kept changing and changing. For the good, it never lasted. For the bad, it always remained. Ask yourself what you've done.

Try understanding me better, then maybe, you'll learn a lot more. YOUR NAME BEGINS WITH D: Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in your suit. You don't give up your quest easily. You are nuturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. (Weird.) You are highly passionate, loyal and intense in your involvements, sometimes possessive (I am NOT) and jealous (no no no). You are very sharp and talented often with a sense of humour. When people bother to look deep inside they cannot resist what they see. (Yeah, tell me 'bout it.)You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open attitude. You get jealous of other people and lose your temper. (No comment.) BORN IN MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. (Try me, I don't bite.) Attracts others and loves attention. (Sure do :]) Deep feelings. (: Beautiful physically and mentally. (Why, thank you.) Firm standpoint. Easily influenced. (?) Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. (So true.) Systematic. (Left-brain.) Loves to dream. (La-la land with me, baby.) Strong clairvoyance. (Quick, intuitive knowledge of things and people.) Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. (More like sensitive =X) Good imagination. Good debating skills. Good physical. (Huh?) Weak breathing. (Err?) Loves Literature & the Arts. (You got it!) Loves travelling. (Just take me to Hawaii, baby.) Dislikes being at home. (Half-half.) Not having many children. (We'll see =X) Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift. TAURUS TURN-ONS: Stability and dependability characterize Taurus. They like people who can blend and grow with them. They have an inherent artistic sense and are fond of colour and music. Judge the life with them from purely materialistic point of view. Enjoy everything luxurious that money can provide. Enjoy good food (better if you can cook to please them) and good drinks with them. TAURUS TURN-OFFS: Taurus is very slow to anger (in fact you may spend your whole life with them and still no spark) but you should not push your luck too much. Being unreasonable or aggressive with them may get you into trouble. Do not press her into a corner and if you do be prepared for a violent rage. Taurus is capable of violent outbursts though this is on very rare occasions. If you have a roving eye forget it, cos Taurus can take the cake when it comes to being possessive. They can be suffocating when being possessive about you.

Really, some things are probably never meant to be understood.

Like changes, it happens, but it never stays for long,
it fluctuates,
between the past and what its supposed to be.

Oh well.
I shall not dwell on it any further,
because it would only make my sweetheart unhappy.

By the way,
when you told me you just couldn't think of anymore ways to cheer me up,
and when you sounded so upset,
my heart broke.

It hurt me again, to know that I'm hurting you with my sorrow.
So for you, I don't want to be unhappy.
For you, I'll be happy.

Anything for you, sweetheart. You know it. <33

Happy New Year all.
(:

Oh and by the way,
go to YouTube, type
"Memory Lane 2006".

You should see a video submitted by "mystifiedd",
which is me (duh).

Click, watch, enjoy, comment.
:D

Much loves to you all.
Esp to sweetheart.

MWAH.

Whats life without love, and love without life? Whats earth without ground, sky without universe? Whats rain without water, thunder without lightning? Whats day without night, night without day? Whats the sun without light, the moon without shape? Everybody has something they cannot do without. That vast open space you stood in, (does it seem like yesterday or years ago?) when you opened your arms to embrace nothingness, did you realize, did you know, that everything, everybody needs something, someone to hold onto so they can survive till tomorrow? Hais.

Hello. Why is there a freaking border around my post? Test. One. Two. Three. If this doesn't work, I don't know what else to do.

Shit.

Valentine's day is four days away.

And I'm still crossroads.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

All those times,
I stayed back after school to work hard.

Probably harder than the rest.
With whoever that wanted to chiong with me.

All those times,
I slacked off in school.

Probably slacked too much.

The pain that sears my heart.
Pain of regret?
Or what?

I just feel sad.
And angry at myself.

Not regretting not working hard.
I know I did.
I did my best.

But why can't I be better?

Its no point demoralizing myself now, is it?
I should look forward.

I'm not the type who spends too much time on staying upset with my hurdles.
I know I'm the type that moves on anyway.

But now,
crossroads.

Directions pointing,
everywhere.

I want to be strong.
And now,
I'm still struggling through it.

But Mr Said,
you're right.

"Always remember that you still have time to shine in any endeavour you partake in the future. Learn from this and put your heart and soul into your studies and singing and you will reap happy rewards. And the people who really matter to you will always be proud no matter what."

Thanks so much.

Need to thank my sweetheart too,
for asking me a million times if I was okay.

For taking me to ice cream.

I wouldn't even try to be strong,
if there wasn't you by my side.
<3

Tomorrow's funfair,
I really don't feel like going.
The rest probably got better than me.
And I'm just gonna come home feeling worst.

But I guess I'll go.
For a while.

Then I'll retire,
into myself again.

If I could only turn back time,
I'd go back to
Those times where I've regretted,

and do it all over again.

Wish me luck.

It must be the traumatising results tomorrow.

I feel so pathetic.
I feel so nauseatic still.

I'm just afraid tomorrow,
will be the time for everything to change.

Its like you go about your usual routine,
one of which you know so well,
then one day,
wham.

It changes your life.
Everything.

Today,
everything is the same for me.

Tomorrow,
it might change.

Who knows what I might be doing at this hour tomorrow.

Will I rejoice?
Will I break down?

Will I finally find my way to the future?
Who will be with me?
What will I find?

So many questions left unspoken,
and unanswered.

If I could only see my future.
A few more hours to go.

Maybe this will change my life.
For the better,
or for the worse,

I wish I knew.

Toward joy,
toward hardship?

Too many voices through my head now.

Whats going through yours?

WHAT HURTS THE MOST - RASCAL FLATTS

I can take the rain on the roof on this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears every now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and then I pretend I'm ok
But thats not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Its hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doing it
Its hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder
Getting up, getting dressed
Living with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away, all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

I'm so effing tired.

My stomach's churning with.. Bile?

I dunno.

I haven't been eating well today.

All I know is I need some sleep.

Hais.

This must be how it feels to have your faith sucked away.
The reality,
a truth,
to come crashing down upon me.

Destroying my happiness.
My freedom.
All my joys.

Sweet past memories.
Will they ever happen again?

This must be how it feels to have your strength taken away.
I have people to lean onto.
But still.

As I stop typing my fingers tremble.
Why?

I don't know.

I'm just afraid, I guess.
Still trying to run away from it.
The results.
The stoopid results.

My head's spinning.
Everything is crowding upon me.
I feel like screaming.

My Mom won't even let me enjoy on my last two days on Earth.
Before the results.
Cos I'm ponning school tomorrow.

Then do what?
Sit in front of the comp tomorrow and stare at it till I go blind?
Then she'll just come back and nag again.

ARGH.
I feel like swearing.

But I wouldn't have made it through today,
if not for my friends.

If there's one good reason I don't wanna leave YJ,
its because of my friends.

They've been there. Always.
They notice my mood swings.
I just know they care.

Without them I just know I'd never made it through today.
Cos I feel so paranoid.
So afraid.
So very afraid.

I just want to thank Cindy, Elizabeth, Kenneth, SiMin, Alex, Justina, Rui Xiang (today very high) and ya, the rest of P21.

Days in YJ would have been different without you guys.
After the release of O-level results,
keep in contact ok?

(=

I should try and be happy.
Take everything in my stride.
But I can't just plough through it.

I need to be strong.
My strength,
my faith.
Where are they?

Probably somebody's been missing from my side too long.

I MISS YOU LOADS =(

One word. Tired.

So let the pictures do the talking.

Came to school today and realized they were renovating the open space canteen. I mean, at the back. So they removed all the tables and chairs.



So sad lor. This used to be the place where we'd all sit for our meals together.

So we just chilled at the canteen, had breakfast while H2 Chemistry students had their test.

I had tuna sandwich. And..



I think this coffee really rocks. And thats Elizabeth's fingers. ELI-ZA-BETH. Her name very long. I call you Liz next time (X

And then almost the whole of P21 having a meal (= With the exception of some missing persons, but ya. This is us. P21.



I hate my mouse. Its so screwed.

ARGH ARGH ARGH.
O-Level results out on Friday.

4 MORE DAYS TO GO.

Erhem.

New Year resolution - DONE!

(((((((:

AHAHA. Finally =X

Went to Laselle today with sweetheart.
The people there like very unfriendly.
And the environment,
I felt like, it wasn't for me.

Just go take brochure for the Film degree.
Then they say, I need a portfolio.
Like, HAR?
So need to attend the course lah.
Where they will teach you to make one portfolio.
It costs like $262.50.
Or something like that.

I can't take it.

Anyways the brochures and everything still in sweetheart's bag. Oops.

Then cabbed down to Vivo cos I hadn't had lunch yet.
Had hotdog =X

Then went to Toys 'R' US to visit YeSheng.
Couldn't find him at first.
Dunno how those ppl can tahan there.
It was like, -18 degrees inside.

Went out for some fresh air.
Then went back in again.

I disturbed YeSheng cos he was trying to fix this guy's toycar.
Cannot fix.
Hahaha.
Then as he replaced the batteries, I'm like, "Cannot fix harr?"

=X =X

In the end can larh.
Then he helped sweetheart to get 10% off his X-Wing Lego thingie.
(= YOU ROCK.

Then walked around to find dinner.
Ended up at some Chicken Rice shop.
Not bad larhs.

Detoured to someplace *erhem*
Then home.

(=

School tomorrow? Going larhs.
But,
but,
but,
Just go there and slack.
HEE.

(New Year resolution~~ HAHAHA =P)

Too many "sorry"s said in one day.

HAIS.

I need to wee wee now O.o

With you around, there's nothing I can fear.

But then again,
the future
just seems so
bleak.

I wish I could see ahead of us.
So we'd be better prepared.

Rather than just sit here and wait,
for perhaps,
our world to come
crashing down on us.

Wah major piss-off lah.

I just had a very good day.
A very happy one indeed.
Could say it was the happiest of the whole week.

I came back and asked for a favour, then
You ruined it all.

I don't know how to describe my mood now.

Slack-time.

Damn tired larhs.

Morning assembly lasted for almost 2 hours.
Kop our test away tho.
I was like, YAY.
But then when it dragged on,
everyone started to become restless.

They were going on about making decisions to stay in YJ.
Blar blar blar lorhs.
Wasn't listening.
Cos the whole thing was like extreme propaganda.

Then tomorrow Math test lo.
I decided not to stress too much lah.
Flunk, ok lo.
Pass, ok lo.
Truth is I don't really care.
Try my best can liao.

Then lessons went on as usual.
Okay lar, today.
But tiring.
Hais.

Okie, pixxie time(:


-CINDY-


-JUSTINA-


-SIMIN-

All taken before dragon-boating like.. dunno how many weeks ago =X


Xuan Kai (SUAN Kai ahahaha) seems to be fascinated with a.. mere paper plane, it seems.


Alex: SORRRRRY LORRRR ~~
SiMin: Shut up lah.


Seri: How do you work this thing??
Justina: I DUNNO! Hey my face!


Seri: Yay.
Justina: Suh-weet!

I'll snap more photos so I can upload them here larh arhs.

Going to cram Math.
But won't be so stressed lah.

And I want to go out on Sunday sweetheart.
Watch Gridiron Gang~~

Lalala.
Do your homework.