I just helped someone through his family problems and yet I still feel like a wreck.

Just a lil messed up feeling left.

AHHHHHHHH!

Everyone's clear of what love can do.

It either destroys or heals.

When you love, you need to love someone or something in a right way. Then its what we'd call perfect.

The way my mom loves me is wrong.

I feel like a specimen cramped inside a transparent glass jar and constantly being eyed at.

What hurts me the most is that we all know that it was partially because of this that I started building bridges between us, and now, we want it to happen all over again?

Without warning my face would be grabbed by the chin and be held up to the light to be scrutinized at.

Like I'm not human at all. Like I'm just a piece of specimen that everyone wants to get their hands on.

It was partially because of this that I was just unable to take it anymore.

All the constant comparison with the rest of the teenagers who have face complexions way better than mine.

Obviously she has forgotten.

And obviously history will repeat itself again if she goes on this way.

Doesn't she remember the week I refused to come back home just because of this?

Doesn't she remember the way I just sat silently, stone-cold with my gaze fixed on the floor when she tried to talk to me?

Those moments I was numbed through. There was no pain, no tears.

I was listening to what she said, but it all didn't make sense.

Doesn't she remember the way she wanted to clear up the mess with just one hug and I said things just DON'T work out that way?

Did she ever try to appreciate me for who I am, or who I'm going to be?

I still feel like an ugly specimen in a transparent glass jar, and I want to break free.

I do feel like such a mess.

Well, maybe just a little.

After he got online last night and I got to see him I felt loads better. Like I could finally wipe away the tears and put down the worriedness. But still. Somebody was still missing as I travelled back home alone today.

My feet are aching from all the walking. All my friends seem to have found jobs. Except for me.

And I do feel like a complete loser.

I'm not pampered.

I'm not rich.

I'm not spoiled.

I'm just me, and I don't want to find any work to do.

My parents have started arguing again, and I have been really quiet. Usually music would be playing. But not this time.

Even if I play something, I wouldn't sing along.

You could say I'm still being sticky to the one I always depend on.

They're still arguing.

Might as well blast something.

Sweetheart,

I'm really starting to miss you.

I've been quiet all this while. I haven't been singing much.

I feel far too empty inside.

God speed the hours and days.

I want you to be back soon.

As the minute draws closer, the pain threatens to overtake me.

But I fight it off.

I refuse to be plagued with pain. I refuse to give in.

I will stand strong till you're back home.

I have been crying a few days back, I have been crying yesterday, I have been crying today. But tonight till next week, I hope I cry no longer.

Time will pass like a retarded snail under a scorching sun, I know, but -

I will make the best out of it.

For him, for us, I will stay strong and never give in to another tear because I am convinced of the fact that all he wants me to do is stay strong, be happy and smile.

When I'm afraid I'll just think of him doing those funny actions to distract me and chase my fears away.

When I feel alone.. Well. I shall seek comfort in feeling his presence deep inside my heart, playing back the memories like a sweet film and keeping them close till he's back in my arms again.

When my arms ached the last time, I didn't know why. Now I do.

But I shall stay strong.

Flight at 8.45PM.

Till then, I hope this strength stays.

When I left you tonight, I turned around to see a clear crescent moon hanging in the sky.

But then my vision blurred,

and I saw a full moon instead.

I don't know what my days will be like. One week?

It feels more like a lifetime.

I don't want to make things difficult for you before you leave. But then again, you know how much I can't bear to see you go.

These few days I keep waking the middle of the night to realize that I have been trapped in a nightmare.

And I jolt awake to escape from it.

Why are my dreams becoming nightmares?

Would I eventually be afraid to close my eyes and sleep at night?

People have said that nightmares are usually the worst case scenarios that your mind conjures up. But is it in the nightmare that shows whether you manage to live through it, or if you die (mentally and emotionally) through it?

All I knew was I was shooting with a gun in my nightmare.

Can still picture the helicopters whizzing above my head and the rush of tyres over a busy highway. It felt like... Summer?

Ironically enough I couldn't hear the gunshots. They were coming from everywhere, but I couldn't hear them. I just knew, I was shooting. At whom? Who was the enemy? I didn't have the slightest clue.

But I heard this one shot of my gun, piercing through the flesh and bone of a little infant wrapped in his father's backseat.

It was fast and only lasted a snapshot.

I didn't get to hear the infant cry. Somehow I found myself sitting next to the father of the infant in his car. Tears were streaming down his cheeks. He didn't say a word.

Instinctively I turned to the backseat to see the infant. I swear I could cry right now if I described it.

It was my doing. I killed the little thing.

I turned back and slumped down in the car seat, defeated, disappointed, ashamed, afraid. Suddenly the infant burst into this hauntingly meledious tune that I will remember for as long as this nightmare stays fresh on my mind. He still had the strength to sing?

Unable to control myself I turned behind to check again. I lifted his cover and saw a deep bullet wound through his abdonmen. The black shine of the bullet glistened against the sunlight and a pool of blood was forming in the backseat. I was unable to bring my eyes to meet the baby's gaze.

Wasn't this infant in pain? What have I done?

Then the tears came, and I jolted awake.

Somehow, I feel that time is running out.

Or is it just because he's going away for a week?

I do wonder what I can do while I'm alone. Plans like jamming with Mr Said has already been fixed (if we manage to get book the room). But what other plans are there?

Suddenly, time seems to move faster than before.

Its like, half a fraction of a millisecond ago I was thinking, "Its only Monday." And now? Its already Friday.

I hate to say it, but I have a feeling next week will pass like a retarded snail under a scorching sun.

I'm counting down the days till he's gone, but I'll count down the days when I can see him again.

A few hours passes like a lifetime.

What will a week be like?

But still. Its about time I learn not to be so sticky onto the one I know I can always depend on.

Right?

I've indulged myself in all the fun I had since the exams were over and when all students became mad.

Something inside is stirring and still wanting more.

Yes. I need more FUN.

But till then, I'll wait for him to go, and wait for him to return.

I promise I won't cry the empty nights away.

=)

PEEEEEOPLEEE.

Its effing the last effing paper tomorrow and I seriously can't wait to dip my feet into the warm waves of Sentosa after the paper.

I have been sitting here for the past 2 hours playing nothing but LUXOR (a game which you can find in the children's game section according my knight who apparently doesn't think I'm childish). Yup. Been clicking around with the mouse till my finger aches. But yes. Whatever.

Effing MCQ tomorrow, I will score.

I can't believe the papers just went by so quickly. Somehow I knew they would. Like I said, once it starts, it will stop soon.

I'm just trying to kill time here.

So.

Emath and Social Studies were on the same day. Not so bad.

Thennn.... *peers at entry proof* We had Physics and English on the same day again. I found English a breeze. Some of my friends were looking a little constipated after the paper was over. But it was ok leh. Physics was okay too. I hope.

Then Emath Paper 2. I just remembered my head was spinning while I did the number pattern question.

Amath Paper One - Okay.

Amath Paper Two - ERRR. I'd rather not talk about it. So DON'T ASK.

THENNN. History, which was just recently. I did the question on UN and the peace settlements after WWII. Which really rocked my ass off cuz Ms Ng did tell us to study the UN. I didn't want to at first, but then again, I did. Source-based was on Mao's China. Not so bad cuz I did questions similar to that a few days before.

Hanged out with my sweet knight on Friday and Saturday mainly at the Esplanade. Yesterday was Mr Gauis Lee and Ms Looi's wedding at the church and it was so sweet lah. CONGRATS TEACHERS. (= Cheers to everlasting love.

Been good this while. Loads of plans after the last paper. I'll tear my entry proof, run home, get my stuff, and run to Sentosa.

Bye bye.

Time simply goes by too fast.

I'm sitting around here wishing I could get it back.

The times I wished I studied hard enough.

Its not like I haven't been mugging. I have.

I keep telling myself, once the Os start tomorrow, it'll keep going, I'll be continually tested until its over.

I just have to keep it in for one month. Three weeks, at least?

It starts tomorrow. And I know it'll end soon.

Like most people say, we're at our final laps. Don't give up, people! Lets make it through together. =)

Anyway,

I hope I don't fall sick.

I have flu. AAAANNNDDD. A little bit of sore throat.

I'm ready for my sweet knight's lecture.

=D