HELLO PEOPLE.

I'm officially at my cousins' birthday party and SLACKING away.

I could actually make use of this time to do my Math or Physics or something, but no. I'm actually blogging and talking on the MSN.

Anyways.

Been to the "Take the City Walk" this morning at the Padang again, and walked half the distance I walked during the Big Walk - 4.5km in about 2 hours.

Legs were aching, now its just muscle ache. Yup. I'll be fine.

Had lunch at Suntec, then watched Lake House.

Which made me want to tear out my heart and cry cuz it seriously tugged at my heart-strings. Everything was so true and real.

It rocks. It was quite irritating at first, when they kept switching scenes. And I forgot to bring my specs in the morning, so the screen was a lil blur.

Then went home lah.

Will blog later.

I'm a lil sleepy.

I'M BACK.

HAHAHA.

Okay.

Feeling pretty charged today cuz almost whole of my clique was staying back in school, gossiping again about almost everything under the sun.

Had fun. The feeling of bonding and uniting as a whole again always brings me back to the familiar feeling of joy.

Lately lots been going on in school, but I plan to put it all behind. I make mistakes. Because of the simplest reason that I'm only human.

Going for the "Take the City Walk" tomorrow, gotta wake like, damn early LAH. Tomorrow I'll just be a walking zombie.

Then going to watch "Lake House". YAY.

Then going to my cousins' birthday party.

OH SHIT.

PRESENTS!!!!

AHH!

I've got a history test to study.

BYE.

Its been too long.

Weeks of school seem to just slip by. 2006's feel like its coming to an end in a blink of an eye.

Much as I want to get everything over and done with, I realize I can't bear to leave anyone.

I had leg cramps when I woke up on Wednesday morning, I think. I didn't know it was gonna affect me the next few days. It got so bad and it hurt so much when I walked down the stairs I was limping by Thurs and Fri.

At the speed I was going, I felt like a snail. Seriously.

So Mom brought me to see a doctor on Friday night. I was kinda apprehensive that he would give me a jab or something. Mom said he wouldn't. Yup. He gave me pills instead.

Its much better now. So don't WORRY. :D

So just been at home, slacking on and off, trying to complete some revision and homework. Every school week is about the same, tests on Mondays and Tuesdays, probably Thurs and Friday.

Speaking of which I happned to screw my Emath tests. I bet Mrs Goh will want to see me soon.

I mean, who screws Emath tests??

I don't screw Amath tests anymore. But EMATH??

Someone save me.

And life is still better in school than at home.

Because at home, people just piss me off. And make me like I'm all alone in this world again when I know I'm not.

Things are just different in school. Sure, there's peer pressure, and silent competition going on, but things are still much much better there.

My Dad still pisses me off.

Yup, and I don't wanna say anymore.

Sometimes I feel so frustrated I just don't want to know him anymore.

But I can't. Mom says I still got to respect him.

Respect?

Where did mine go then?

Trust?

Does he even trust me at all?

The incident that happened about 3 years ago still flashes in his head. He'll never be able to get over it. My Mom won't too.

Somehow that wall of trust has just been broken and I'm exposed. Well, fine.

I got my friends.

I don't have to worry.

I LOVE YOU PEOPLE!!! MWAH. <333

=D

You left today, in a hurry, in anger, frustration plastered across your face. Though you tried to hide from me all the pills you took (an overdosage), I still noticed. I saw you keeping quiet, at first I didn't know why. Then all of a sudden it hit me that you were just silently suffering. So how could I been so dumb?

Plugging into your iPod you tried to make the voices go away. But they didn't, and I knew you couldn't take it any longer. At the corner of my eye i saw you finally packing up, throwing your bottle away and standing up to leave. You murmured something to the rest, and you walked past my table. I looked up to say "Take care", to which you hardly waved back. You didn't even say a word. Your face was indecipherable. Perhaps I will never see whats going on inside that raging heart of yours.

The place suddenly seemed a little quieter, the sunlight a little harsher. The empty table which I was sitting at with the invisible ghosts surrounding me seemed really empty.

The feeling that welled up inside me was anxiety. Where'd you go? I wondered. Did I say anything wrong? Was it the pain again?

Fear mixed with anxiety made me want to cry out. I stood up, packed, and left. My friends' voices drummed into my thick head, but I could only hear buzzes within. Even though they were around, I suddenly felt so alone with no one beside me. Powerless in a middle of a battlefield with no shield.

I ordered my head to think but I couldn't. I gathered my strength to keep up with my friends but nothing worked. Why was I so helpless? Just what was I trying to do? Why can't I do something to help?

Nobody really knows how it felt that moment to be completely lost and floating in space without a direction. I was lost. Really lost, although I knew where I was.

So why can't I just make it all okay for you?

On the way back home I realized it was not you who failed. Its me who failed. Failed to do something, even if you keep saying I did and I'm helping. But I don't think so and I'm sorry.

If there is such a word as "reincarnation" and it exists, I would wish on the many shooting stars that all your pain, and I mean all of it, would be exchanged and put into my life.

You never knew you meant THIS much, did you?

Just to let you know, you do.

A valuable lesson learnt last night is to NEVER wear heels that are too small for you.

I mean, thats really stupid of you right?

My feet sting with blisters now. But I remind myself that I've been through pain greater than this.

Yesterday we went for the Asian Superstar Idol show thingie at Expo, which was kinda cool. But they were like, preaching in the middle of the show, on and off, and finally at the end of the whole thing. But overall the show was superb.

The Hawaiian singer Jasmine Trias came to perform (SHE WAS FAB) and had everyone screaming like hell. After the show we could buy her CD and her posters and queue up for her autograph. Ai Shan was so crazily delirious after that.

We headed to Changi Airport for dinner despite Brian's groanings of missing HK again. =X

Had dinner at BK at Terminal 1. We took the skytrain.

During dinner we found out that YuHwang had an disorder. Luke couldn't stop laughing about it.

LOL.

Yup. Then hopped onto the tube where YuHwang and Ai Shan started quarrelling again about God-Knows-What. But our hyperness all died down as the train moved along closer to our homes.

Got home around 9.45PM. When I tried to bathe last night I was like hopping around my bathroom. Blisters.

ARGH.

Okays.

I've got loads of tests.

Just wanted to say a big THANK YOU to Ai Shan, Brian, YuHwang and Luke - You guys rocked my world yesterday. <3

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
- Phantom of the Opera

You were once my one companion,
you were all that mattered.
You were once a friend and father,
then my world was shattered.

Wishing you were somehow here again,
wishing you were somehow near.
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed,
somehow you would be here.

Wishing I could hear your voice again,
knowing that I never would.
Dreaming of you won't help me to do,
all that you dreamed I could.

Passing bells and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental.
Seem, for you, the wrong companions,
you were warm and gentle.

Too many years fighting back tears,
why can't the past just die?

Wishing you were somehow here again,
knowing we must say goodbye.
Try to forgive, teach me to live,
Give me the strength to try.

No more memories, no more silent tears..
No more gazing across the wasted years..
Help me say goodbye
Help me say goodbye...


I've been listening to "The Phantom of the Opera" and I truly miss this classical.

This is one of the songs the lead Soprano singer sang for the death and absence of her father. Charged with emotions.

Classics, anyone?

I'm bombarded with loads of tests again, for next week, not forgetting my Chinese Listening Compre on Monday. After which we still have to learn MORE Chinese, because the teachers apparently don't have that much faith in us to get a good grade for Chinese.

Oh well.

Now that I'm getting the swing of Term 3, things seem to be slightly better. Still, nothing beats staying in school till 5 or 6 plus with my friends. I just don't wanna go home.

Been doing okay in the tests that keep hurling themselves at me. If I keep going at this pace, I should be fine.

I have loads of homework.

The thunder roars across the sky,
the ground beneath my feet trembles.
My head pounds,
I'm not afraid.
Strangely enough,
I have a sudden urge to be drunk on wine.

Lightning now flashes through my room,
the thunder a faint rumble in my heavy head.
I guess I'm just tired,
from all the battles I've been fighting.

Let it rain, I say.
Let it rain till tomorrow.

I'm sixteen now but there's still some things I don't understand.

Maybe I wasn't meant to understand. Wasn't born to be made to understand these complex things.

But they're not complex at all. These are actually simple, simple things.

Enough of the crap.

Yesterday was the celebration of SYF Heartlands at Tiong Bahru Plaza and I got to perform with the Henderson Intermediate kids from New Zealand. Apparently we were NOT given the stage, we were made to stand at the SIDE.

Because the Guest-of-Honour was coming in from that side.

Stupid lah.

So anyways the performance was kinda screwed, cuz there were no mics, and we couldn't hear the guitar. Through-out the whole thing I was the only who was moving. The rest were as stiff as blocks.

After the our performance we sat around with the New Zealand kids and talked a bit. They're REALLY REALLY REALLY sweet. They gave me necklaces and stuff. They're funny too. And they're only like, twelve, thirteen.

Had a great time anyways, hanging out with them and the rest of my friends - YanTing, Kelin, YuPing, Ai Shan, Marailyn, YuTing, LiWen, MeiQi.. Did I miss anyone out? HMM.

Oh well.

Another week of school starts tomorrow.

I woke up this morning breathing in the poison again. I knew I just needed to hurry to get back to my room. It was hard.

I know you worry. You're always worrying.

It was painful to see my Mom sitting there still talking to him about some job expedition they're offering at Harbour Front or Suntec next weekend.

Apparently my 6th Aunt found this job for him, and told me to let him know about it. So because it was in Chinese, I translated it all to English and slipped it in my handbook.

I showed it to my Mom when I got back home from school yesterday.

Now its gone.

My Mom said he would never take the job anyway. He's too proud. Plus he'll think the pay is low.

He just doesn't know how frustrated I get everytime I see my Mom paying for almost everything. Even taxi fares. Even meals.

Who's the sole breadwinner of this family now?

Can't he do his part to help out too?

I swear and I swear again, never to let my kids go through the same thing in future.

As for school, things have just been happening too fast, like sand slipping out of my fingers.

I prefer it at school. Compared to home.

I'm finally performing again this afternoon at Tiong Bahru Plaza, in this what-you-call SYF Heartlands thingie.

I'm performing with the kids from New Zealand.. singing this Mauri song which is totally cool.

Anyways.. I have loads to do. I'm still feeling quite tired from hanging onto a strength that fails me.

I find myself moving on anyway.

I think I was just being paranoid.

But I really feel like there's nothing tangible I can hold onto.

Oh well.

Time to get back on my feet.

I remember that day just like it happened yesterday.

A body wrecked with pain, a heart full of hurt - as the truth dawned upon me.

What was the truth anyway?

What happened to us?

When they started to quarrel right in front of my face I felt like I wasn't there. Or wasn't supposed to be anyway. I was just an observer. A single audience.

It hurt so bad I thought I was adopted. That they never cared at all. For this adopted child. Thats why I look different.

I swear to never let my kids go through the same shit in the future.


BECAUSE OF YOU - KELLY CLARKSON

I will not make the same mistakes as you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did you fell so hard
I learnt the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learnt to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And its not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know there's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learnt to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I'm crying in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learnt to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life, because its empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you.

Here I am, drinking morning coffee and having breakfast while doing Amath, the back of my mind still reeling from the effect from school.

Assignments, tests and all just hurled themselves at us the minute we stepped into class. There was no end. And its only just the beginning.

Many a time when I saw my reflection in the mirror, I saw this pale girl with the colour drained from her cheeks staring back at me, her eyes losing the shine, her body sagged.

But I'm not defeated just yet.

They're starting ISPs for Science and Math, changed Term 3's timetable.

Chinese O-Level Orals have started.

Its just too many things.

Been staying back with my friends almost everyday tho'. Prefer school to home.

What if this battle leaves me powerless to fight at the end of it all?

Yesterday, I felt like I was losing my strength to fight, losing my defences in the middle of this battleground.

Was too tired to move on, too tired to strive on.

Its only the first week.