Westlife's lyrics are especially meaningful. I like this one.

"If Your Heart's Not In It"

I'm missing you
Girl even though you're right here by my side
Cuz lately it seems
The distance between us is growing too wide
I'm so afraid that you're saying its over
Thats the last thing I wanna hear

But if your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone, its not fair to lead me on
Cuz I would give the whole world for you
Anything you'd ask of me, I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it

You say that you love me
But baby sometimes, you're just saying the words
If you've got something to tell me
Don't keep it inside
Let it be heard
I'm so afraid that you're saying its over
Girl I'd make it easy for you

But if your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone, its not fair to lead me on
Cuz I would give the whole world for you
Anything you'd ask of me, I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it

How I wish I could take us back in time
But it's gone too far, now we can't rewind
There's nothing that I can do
To stop me from losing you
I can't make you change your mind

Its about the same every weekend now.
I guess.

Him not being here for me. I pull through 5 days just for this.

Mummy's sick. My Dad doesn't seem to care.
Apparently HIS friends and HIS badminton game is far important than her. Well, FUCK IT.

Last week when we went out for dinner again he tried to talk to me indirectly by asking me if I wanted anything to drink.
At that point of time, I really wanted to forgive him. But I'm not sorry. He's the one who's supposed to be.

I really felt like hugging him again, and telling him, "Please Dad, don't ever do that again."

But I couldn't. I'd regretted it if I did. I'm glad I didn't.

The last time we hugged was when I was in.. Sec 1? Then we seemed to lose each other.

So Mummy's sick now. His life still revolves around cigarettes and TV. And still not looking for job. Even if he does, it won't last.

The smell of cigarette smoke floated into my room today, and I had to close the door to keep the stench out. It would only ruin my body.

When I opened my door again I saw my 2nd Aunt, and my Dad, packing and getting ready to go out for a stupid game of badminton.

I wanted to scream.

But I couldn't. All I did was shake my head and think, "This family's pathetic."

He hasn't changed, my Dad. He hasn't. He never did.

They sold the car last week. Yesterday was my first time coming back here on the MRT.

I told myself it wasn't gonna make any difference - car or no car.

It was raining though. Thunders and lightnings. I just had to get over it.

To me, my Dad's seriously gone.

And I don't feel a thing anymore.

DAY

What would you do,
when something becomes nothing at all?
What would you do,
if you had to bruise your body,
just to break your own fall?
What could you do,
when the day becomes night?
When the birds are back in their nests,
tired from a day's flight.
The sun sets
but you seem oblivious,
to your own weary shadow.
Dreams still seem to be so faraway
stretched out, far,
out there - over the meadow.
You know you're tired,
you know you can't take another step.
You wish you could close your eyes,
after you've finished your final lap.
Turning away from the bright glare of the sun,
your heavy feet leads you home,
while you wish you could fall into the arms of a loved one.
You've just pulled through another day -
and this day, it has gone.

Updattteee.

A lot has happened over the week. Seriously a lot. But I can't say what. Only a few understand.

Had my first A.Math mock paper on Thurs after school, which took like 2 hours. I was getting a leg cramp sitting so long in the AVT.

Results?

Failed lah. Freaking 36/80. Just 4 more marks and I'd have passed.

Mr Tan says I gotta do 4 more papers in order to pass. But I just DON'T WANT to pass. I want to pass, and pass WELL.

Felt worn-out after photo-taking yesterday, wondered why I even stayed back to try and work on A.Math. Nothing got in. Couldn't do questions.

Home's like, not home. I don't know. I don't care.

Let's all PIA for mid-year la.

HE wasn't online. Not like he feels the same anyway.

Sometimes, I do get tired myself.

I'm sunburnt. And I'm itching all over.

My face is red. HEH. So cute ah.

I went to Sentosa yesterday. Only rose amongst the thorns. Lol. Luke, Brian, Heng Sin and Yu Hwang. =) Fort Silso! All hunks and no babes. All for ME.

Had fun. Heng Sin left halfway. =(

I suntanned my legs. Then we went biking for an hour. Guess thats was when I got sunburnt on my arms and face. Painful. I can't scratch now.

Had lunch at Sakae Sushi. Yu Hwang seemed to be eating a lot. Lol.

Sky was threatening, so we went to the chairlift and luge nearby.

It was my second time on the chairlift, but I was terrified. I was wearing slippers AGAIN, so I had to hang on tight. The wind was strong, my fear slowly subsidied on the way up. Then the luge was freaking FUN.

We sped all the way down. All the wayyyyy.

YAY. Let's do it sometime after mid-year.

Walked out of Sentosa. WALKED. Not take the bus.

Reached Harbour Front MRT. Luke left to meet his mom for dinner.

Left Yu Hwang, Brian and me.

Had dinner at Yoshinoya. Had a little gastric working itself up. I ate, and I ate too fast. Felt bloated after dinner. Had a pain in lower abdomen while we walked around Harbour Front.

Oh YEAH. WE GOT BRIAN HIS BAG. HAHAHA. OVERJOYED LAH, THAT MAN.

Mom came to pick me. Then went home.

Woke up this morning with my face, arms and legs itching. My face is red. I don't mind. I look cute lehs!

LOL.

Half a tub of Vanilla Chocolate Chip ice cream for me. I'm happy.

Mee Goreng later.

I'm immensely tired. Wouldn't like to talk about it tho.

But I want to thank LUKE - for accompanying me to watch Ice Age 2!!

THANK YOOOOU. (:

And paying for my ticket too.

Okay. Thats it.

Bye.

HELLO.

MID-YEAR COMING.

HAHAHA.

But I would like to announce, I beat JACK TON in the recent English Comprehension Test!!

HAHAHAHA.
HAHAHA.
HAHA.
HA.

Yes.

Only two people passed in Band 1. Jonathan and me.

Here's to you, Genius with No Altar.

=D

And I thought I was gonna fail. I was ready for it.

But yeah.

Changes have been made here and there. Physics I guess. We're having practicals in the lab now. I almost screwed up my first electricity prac cuz I connected the wires wrongly into the ammeter.

It was confusing.

But the second round today, it got better. We finished like 20 minutes before recess. (:

Nothing much then.

Been staying back in school to do Math. And all other kinds of shit.

Activities on tomorrow and Sat.

CIAO.

To my mother, I'm no longer beautiful.
I wasn't the pretty little one she used to hold when I was younger.
Its me, she says, who's getting uglier.
You think I feel good?

To my dad, he no longer cares.
I wasn't the little kid he used to take out for fishing, kite-flying and swimming.
Its him, I say, whom I won't cry a tear for anymore.
You think I wanted to?

To her, I'm always changing.
Into someone she could never understand.
Thing is, she never looks inside and really sees what I am.
She looks on the outside.
There's no inside.

To him, I'm not there.
My absence makes his life easier to live.
Thing is, he never looked at me from the start.
It was a lie. All of it.

Everything's gone wrong with this world.
As if a giant hand had easily flipped it the other way around.
All the things has left the unwanted kids cold and lonely.
Is there no one else to turn to?

I fight cold wars at home.
I fight to keep strength and faith in school.
I fight to transform my ignorance to intelligence.
In the end
I'm always fighting against myself.

Everybody simply sees the imperfections.
Without sparing a thought for feelings.
Every word has left a scar.
It took so much time to erase.

Perhaps they never knew,
how hard it was for us kids,
to pull through each day,
praying nothing would go wrong.

Perhaps they never knew,
how we ever felt,
towards everything thats going on.

We felt so much.
Because it was so real.

So real.

FAB DAY.

I could have stayed home and do my Amath. But I didn't. (x

It was raining heavily as I prepared to go out and meet Brian at Orchard station first. The rain seriously scared me. I mean, there was like lightning and thunder and all. But lucky when I walked out to the MRT, the rain subsidied slightly.

Sooo took train down to Orchard. Waited 45 MINUTES for Brian. I don't know what he was doing at home. I was FAMISHED.

We went to Wisma Atria. Had lunch. Then a thought struck me. I forgot to bring my ticket with me.

WTF.

Called my Dad. He's out. Called my Mom. Said she would go home, pick it up, and meet me in school.

Drama drama.

Yup. Walked around Wisma, Brian got his earpiece. My left earpiece got spoilt today. The right one is working. Like, wth.

Then went into Borders. Laughed and laughed. Then I got a bit of tummyache after Brian offered me his coke. I don't know what he put in. So I shitted lar. Shortly after that, Kelin called and said she was on the way. So was YuPing, Ivy and Mui Hoon. YanTing was meeting us in school.

So we all finally met in Borders. Had fun. Then walked down towards Far East. Went into this.. I can't remember the place. Then got out. Then took 132 down all the way to school.

My Mom arrived there just in time to give me the ticket. (:

Went into the PAC. Full house.

Performance started. The usual, full of screaming and hooting. HAHA. Guitars, drums, basses, acoustic, piano, saxaphone.. bla bla.

MR SAID AND DALINI ROCKED THE HOUSE DOWN. ((:

Performance ended. Everyone was in the study-area. A lot of noise lah.

Then Mr Said drove us to Harbour Front for DINNER((: There wasn't enough space for 8 of us (plus Mr Said), so YanTing and YuPing took a bus down.

Mr Said joined us for dinner. YAY. =D

Kelin's delirious.

Mr Said left at 7.10PM.

Then walked around. Around and around. YanTing bought new bag. Kelin bought new wallet. Brian wanted a new bag. All 7 of us can pay about 12 plus plus for it.

Brian, lets go wild on your birthday. =))

I don't know how.

Reached home at 9.30PM. Mom and Dad came to pick me from Tiong Bahru.

My computer actually got jammed up just now. I couldn't even switch it on.

At least I can now.

I'm tired.

[maybe what they say is true ; everything about me and you]

UPDATE.

Nothing much to say.

Mid-Year exams are approaching. It IS getting kinda scary.

Worst still, the Mother Tongue paper in May.

My ear seems to be bleeding. Whats wrong with me?

We finally stepped down from Choir today. But NO FAREWELL PARTY.

Well, whatever. It's our pleasure to be outta there.

Thats about it. I'm going tomorrow.

EX-HSS CONCERT!!

I woke up realizing my life wasn't gonna change in any way.

I woke up still feeling like a wreck.

Waking up to a father whom I knew never cared.

So it was very hard. Very hard to get my pen moving when Miss Chua wanted us to write an essay on "The Greatest Dad" a few weeks back.

Cuz where I could I begin?

If I ever did, I'd end at my childhood. I don't see any point anyway.