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/ Wednesday, November 30, 2005

2 more days to go, and I'm done with Bio drilling.

Not that I don't like it.

And I'm still brooding over my nightmare. It still freaks me out.

I'm still tryna walk home with music plugged into my ears.

My stomach's been acting crazy lately. Even with food, there's too much hydrochloric acid.

So has my brain. Haven't been taking my iron pills. So feeling faint for the first few days.

I'm okay now.

I think.

XOXO

/ Monday, November 28, 2005

I had a nightmare.

I know cuz I woke up suddenly, my heart pumping hard.

I know cuz I woke up scared. Really freaked.

Weird thing is, I've never had a dream since I-Don't-Know-When. And now, this nightmare, I'm sure I had it before.

So this is like the second time.

Will there be a third?

Yes, I'm scared.

For the first time in ages, I am.

XOXO

/ Saturday, November 26, 2005

I do feel like such an ASS sometimes.

No, seriously.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I wish I knew, okay?

We didn't get to talk proper today. Not like all the heart-to-heart talks we used to have. Cuz today he wanted to go off earlier. It feels weird. It all felt like I neglected him or something like that.

Why do I even care so much?

Cuz I do. I just do.

Okay. And I do feel like an ASS still.

Its so quiet. Oh-so-quiet now. And nothing is blinking orange on my desktop. Nothing that blinks orange, that spells his name.

GOD.

I needa get a grip. Maybe I'll just read a book or something.

Okok. Sounds a lot better.

But all I wanna say is.. I'm sorry.

For what?

I don't know.

For everything. I guess.

XOXO

/ Friday, November 25, 2005

Somehow, blogskins chooses to hang on me.

"Not responding".

Yes. Fine.

Been a superb day. Finally I have one of those days where I'm happy.

And yes, I still am. Smiling my ass off. xD

Went for follow-up today at NUH for spine. Been 2 years since my operation when I was 13. Surprisingly, everything went quite fast. Oh, and I didn't get to meet Prof. Wong, the one that performed surgery on me. It was this other HK doc. Mom thinks he's cute. And I thought she would think him to be annoying. I mean, with that accent of his.

LOL.

Twas about 4 plus when we exited NUH. Went to Tiong. Found this powder thingie for my shoes that stank to high Heavens the minute I took them off. SERIOUSLY. Everytime I get home, I have to wash my feet in soap. Lots of it.

And Mom got me a bag for Christmas. YAAAY. =D

Then headed to East Coast "No Signboard Restaurant" for dinner. I was delirious the moment I saw the sun about to set. I couldn't believe it. The sun was fiery red, burning fiercely in the sky admist the other soft colours. Indeed amazing.

Kept snapping photos. Wish I could upload them here.

I don't wanna end this day. Today has been too beautiful. Plus all he's said tonight. Plus all my feelings.

Plus everything.

If only I could keep living life this way.

Thank You, Lord.

=)))

And yes, I do feel blessed.

XOXO

/ Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Heyyy..

Yeah so everyone knows by now. I didn't get into that thingie thingie. But it doesn't matter. I was expecting a red light anyways. Sooo. Yeahh.

But I never felt that afraid for any audition before. Probably cuz it was in Mandarin that I freaked. While queuing up I could sense my own fear. Smell my own fear. The only word that was splashed across my eyes was "FEAR".

Which sucked. Which really really sucked.

Yuping and Kelin.. No go either. But its really okay.

Change of topic now.

I've been thinking. You know I think a lot. To me, everything feels better and okay now. OK, OK. Its about him again.

Its like.. Even if he doesn't get online, even if I don't get to see him that often.. you know and stuff like that.. I'm still okay. Unlike the previous times when I felt so empty. I think I've gotten used to it or something.

Even like now. I'm still fine.

Learnt to live through alllll the shit. Which is cool.

But he still means as much. (: He always does.

Up till this point of time, life is still good.

XOXO

/ Monday, November 21, 2005

Define a broken family.

Whats in a broken family?

I don't know. I don't wanna know either. And I'm not finding out.

Everybody has those days. Their own share of days when parents just start some kinda war. Some kinda argument. Some kinda conflict. And we don't know what to say, or even what to do about it.

I'm having one of those days now. All I can do is only confide in my best friend.

I do feel like crying. Wonder why it somehow has to turn out this way.

It didn't have to. If only my Dad had more BRAIN CELLS.

If only my Mom had more of EVERYTHING she wanted. Just a little bit more. I never asked for much.

And I won't, and I don't.

Everybody lives, everybody dies one day. Why can't our lives just be free all the time?

How did pain come about? How did tears and all come about?

I don't know.

And I don't know why.

XOXO

/ Sunday, November 20, 2005

Stupid stupid stupid.

But I'm not pissed.

We went again today - to Bishan in hopes of auditioning for Campus Superstar. The queue moved and moved and moved and FINALLY. This guy had to say, "Come back on Tues."

DAMMIT.

I dunno. But I'm not pissed.

But helllooo??

I'm too tired to describe anything and everything. I even slept in the afternoon at Grams place and ON Grams' sofa. One thing you have to know, I don't SLEEP in the afternoon unless I'm SICK or something.

Woke up early for nothing.

Gotta wait till Tues.

Till then, my soul will keep on shivering.

I don't think I'll get in though.

XOXO

/ Saturday, November 19, 2005

Bridging's over.

Been posted to next year's 4E2. Oh well, not so bad. Kelin's going to 4E3!! Bummer.

Legs are aching, and I mean my feet too. Been standing and walking around Bishan Junction 8 the whole day today. Was the Campus Superstar auditions on the open plaza. Which was kinda cool. And not to mention hot, sweaty, crowded and all.

YanTing and ShiQi tried out for it. Ming Hong, our previous primary school friend too. Three of them - no go. I hate those stupid sunflowers with the red and green bulbs on it. Green means you're in. Red means you're not. And the red makes a much louder sound than the green.

And I can't believe I'm trying out Campus Superstar TOMORROW.

It's in Chinese. Oh, I'm sorry, but Mandarin.

Hello???

It doesn't really hurt giving it a shot, does it? I mean, I won't be the only one getting the red stupid sunflower. There are so many others.

Kelin & YuPing's joining too.

My family's darn supportive of it. Even GRAMS.

So wow.

So I filled up the registration form the minute I got home. Got Mom to sign on it.

The audition only requires you to sing part of the chorus. Like, the first three lines, then DING DING DING goes the stupid bell, and your results - the green or the red sunflower.

I can so see the red sunflower right now.

Arghh. Why am I even DOING this??

Anyywayyys.

Got VERY worried for him cuz he just had an injury.. And its hurting him a lot.. So I'm tryna pray and make him feel better and all. Was SO HAPPY when he sent a message to me this afternoon telling me he felt much better. Well, thats cuz I told him to keep me informed. LOL.

But then I wouldn't have to worry so much.

Okay. I'm hungry.

XOXO

/ Sunday, November 13, 2005

I must suck at Circular Measure. Cuz I can't do HALF the questions.

Linear Law's better. But it's just as bad.

It's funny, but I've learnt to live it through. Those lonely nights without talking online with him. I mean, I find those nights easy to pass. Find it easy to wake up to the next morning without feeling lonely or anything.

Which is good. Which really serves as an advantage.

Things always get better each day between us. But sometimes I can't help thinking the bond between us is not as strong as I think. It's strong, online, but offline and personal... I don't think so.

I dunno. But thank God it doesn't hurt anymore.

XOXO

/ Friday, November 11, 2005

I'm commentless on this week's bridging.

So there.

XOXO

/ Sunday, November 06, 2005

Let me blog.

Let me blog before I go.

Time to put on the right pair of shoes. Time to start walking right again. Gotta be strict, gotta be sensible.

Gotta learn to kick the addiction. Gotta learn to face up to it. Gotta learn to live with it.

So many resolutions, so many plans, and so much GODDAMNED TIME. One year. How am I supposed to live with it?

I'm believing that there will be some way out SOMEHOW. That there WILL some time for me to let go.

I try not to believe so much, but I try to pray hard.

But still.

How am I gonna get through this?

XOXO

/ Saturday, November 05, 2005

Saturday night.

Nothing much to do.

But a lot to think about.

I don't wanna sleep.

I've got so many resolutions starting Monday. God knows how I will carry them out.

Its starting to hurt, a little. But it's always like that. It hurts, then it'll hurt even more. Gotta get through it anyhow.

If I believe hard enough, and pray hard enough, and even work hard enough, I'll get what I want.

If I don't, then thats destiny's way of apologizing. It's way of saying it was never meant to be done this or that way.

Afraid? Definitely. Everyone's afraid of everything. I am afraid too.

Starting Monday, I will find my right pair of shoes, and start walking again.

XOXO

/ Saturday, November 05, 2005

Okayy. I screwed up my blog last night. Kept changing skins. Now THIS skin is sweet.

I've thought it over. I've gotta start doing things for ME.

Gotta be more sensible too. As long as he's always around, things are gonna be okay. There's a distance, I know, but that can't be helped. All I gotta do is to keep moving on and keep living.

Hopefully there will be a day when things can go back to normal again. You know, normal.

I'm afraid of so many things tho'. Afraid I might suddenly lose my friends. Afraid that he doesn't feel the same way. Afraid I don't have the strength to keep walking on.

I'll pray then.

XOXO

/ Friday, November 04, 2005

Woke up with tears staining my vision.

I never, never had a good dream.

I wanna face it, but I don't want to.

But its not over, is it?

Is there such a word as "forever"? Is there any meaning to it?

XOXO

/ Thursday, November 03, 2005

Slapped myself AWAKE.

Told myself to get over the FREAKING DRAMA.

Life has to go on. Hurdle or no hurdle, hurt or no hurt, pain or no pain, life WILL go on.

What was I doing - immersing myself into an ocean of pain of all the shitty things? Thinking that life is gonna be hard to get by.

No, it won't be.

Just as long as I know. Just as long as I stay strong, and let determination keep up with me. Then I'll be okay.

How can I not be okay?

Gotta keep believing in myself too.

If I want to cry, I will. But I musn't fall.

XOXO

/ Thursday, November 03, 2005

I thought I just finished the biggest hurdle of my life. But I was wrong. Another one has yet to come. And this time, it's gonna be bigger.

Which means I'm gonna hurt even more. Cry even more. Feel further weakened. Even more.

It has to be done anyway. I still have to get through it. But I don't know HOW THE HELL I'm gonna live through the whole thing.

It already hurts just thinking about right now. How am I gonna go on from then?

I really wanna blog about this whole thing. But given an empty page, I have no idea what to say.

How does it feel to suddenly have the main character of your life suddenly slip away from within your reach? Think about it. It HURTS.

Well, at least for me.

Gotta live with it. Gotta get through it. But HOW????

And how can anyone guarantee that after the hurdles everything will be back to normal again? Things CHANGE. For the better or the worse, I don't know.

I've dreamed and fantasized about so many things we could do together. Not anymore now.

It's the last time tonight, we know each other can feel it. Something's telling me to just blurt it out, but I just keep holding back. Nope. Not going to ruin anything now.

Gotta just cherish every moment now.

Cuz I don't know when's the next.

XOXO

/ Wednesday, November 02, 2005

If only I could describe the way I feel.

Pat's right. I'd rather have him as a friend forever than ruin it all cuz I made a stupid confession. As much as I want to say it all, but on second thoughts, I'd rather keep it all inside.

Disadvantages? I can't show that I care more than just a friend. I've gotta keep some of the feelings in check, and watch what I say.

Advantages? He's always... There. You know, just being there is already enough.

Whatever it is, its a not a win-win situation.

Its kinda amazing to admit to myself ... How much I've actually grown onto him. Like how much he means to me and all.

Is it worth-while though?

I hope.

They say forever ain't real. But why do I keep feeling that this WILL somehow last?

XOXO

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