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/ Monday, October 31, 2005

I get the message.

He didn't come. So much for waiting. Now there's just absolutely NO POINT at all to stay in this house and wait around like some kinda fool.

Sometimes, a girl has just enough.

It just NEVER works out, does it?

But at least I still got my friends. Just conferenced with them over the phone, laughed a great deal.

Now I'm organizing an X'mas BBQ party at East Coast - BIGGG event. Am already busy making lists and calling up people. Money will start pouring in once bridging starts. 15 bucks, people!

Oh well. Its already November now. I mean, its like 12.09am now. Better get some shut-eye, got stuff to settle tomorrow.

Oh, and you know what?

Bitches always get in their way. But once bitches become losers, they won't anymore.

Sounds like her.

XOXO

/ Sunday, October 30, 2005

I don't care, I'm still saying it.

My dad's jobless. I only found out TODAY. And I'm not a tad ashamed to say it.

To think he still brought me out on a road trip to the "countryside" yesterday. Looked at plants and all kinds of things. Then to the fish farm - more mean looking creatures. Then to the Farmart. Then back home. At night he brought me to a Japanese Restaurant before picking Mom up at Suntec cuz she was working over-time.

Thanks so much, Dad, from hiding it all from me.

And I thought I was the one who DID NOT come from a broken family. Well, not exactly broken, but still. Looking at the way my family behaves, we're just not a whole.

I don't CARE if the whole world knows.

It so totally hit me when Mom said, "Your dad's jobless, didn't you know?"

Honestly I didn't feel anything.

I DON'T CARE. I REALLY DON'T.

It was his life anyway. I don't know what he's gonna do with it now.

I'm staying at my own crib for this whole week, not going down to Gram's to stay until bridging starts next Monday for 2 WHOLE GODDAMNED WEEKS. At least I can stay up without disturbing anyone here.

I'm just waiting around right now. Then it'll happen.

Whatever makes you happy, Dad.

XOXO

/ Friday, October 28, 2005

I find I spend half my life bleeding.

The other half wondering.

Wondering when the other half will stop bleeding. Wandering even, to find another being to help stop the gashed wound.

The other half that bleeds, waits to stop bleeding.

Sounds more like finding true love, huh?

Got back my report book today - passed all, got promoted to Sec 4 Express. Great load off my back.

Bridging starts one week later. If you were taking the same subjects as me, you'd think the schedule is crazy. HAH. Hold on, it IS crazy.

Oh wellllll.

Finally got Sec 3 over and done with. I'm going up to the highest level of my school now. Locked up classroom 3E2 for the last time today. Kinda... Upset. It's become habitual.

Dad said he'd be back by 11 with supper. It's already 12.30am. Guess I'll go to sleep.

I've being accustomed to this already - his presence not being here over the long weekend nights. I mean, I've kinda learnt to live through the whole thing, which is good.

I guess.

Guess I'll just... Forget about it and just.. Hide away.

XOXO

/ Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Everything's nearly fine now.

I'm smiling but...

I'm kinda broken down inside.

XOXO

/ Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Need to update. Fast.

Too much SHIT has been going on. But as long as I don't get any of the shit, there'll be no more shit in my life.

All that has happened made me see a clearer picture of everything. How much more I actually loved my friends. How many more new friends I've made. Its like, whoa.

Now all I want to do is talk to him about this. But he ain't here.

Nahhh. Not gonna give up SO SOON.

XOXO

/ Sunday, October 23, 2005

It's just another boring Sunday afternoon.

Okaaaaaaayyyyyyy.

Been idling all day, playing computer games and all. My life has never been this boring. Partly because its after exams.

Got a dinner at my cousin's place around 6.30 with some other relatives. Haven't picked out what to wear. Didn't bring back my handy eyeliner and all the other stuff. ARGH.

I admit. Okay. I'm bored.

That's that.

XOXO

/ Saturday, October 22, 2005

Okeeey people.

Changed skin again because the other one was screwing things up for me.

I'm feeling better already. Gotta be stronger this time.

I really wanna start anew, but I don't know how.

Oh yeah, and ignore the previous posts that I've written in light colors. xD

Oh well.

XOXO

/ Saturday, October 22, 2005

My blog is screwed up.

Like ME.

I feel like starting anew, yet I want so many things in life.

XOXO

/ Thursday, October 20, 2005

If there was a chance for me to pay for a new life, I would. But I would keep a few precious things tho.

There are just far too many things. Too many, too many. Too much hurt, too much pain, too many tears, too much unwanted memories. I don't know what I did to actually deserve this. You won't understand. But my best friend will. I can't say my life is the biggest wreck, but I just know I don't feel good about anything right now.

I had a super weird dream. No, not dream. Nightmare. Felt far too real. Felt I was awake, doing stuff, going about my usual routine. But I don't wanna talk about it. It scares me.

Stuff happened last night that made the harshest knife pierce my heart. I guess its just embedded there right now. I'm finding it hard to pull it out. I'm struggling against the emotions, fighting back tears, trying to win, win the devil in my head shaking his head in mockery of my stupid words and actions.

People look at me on the surface thinking I'm strong. Friends count on me for a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. Friends look for me because they know I can cheer them up. I help them get by the difficult times. But I can't help myself get by my own.

I'm thankful, though. For each and everyone of my friends around me. I know I don't get to say this out loud, but I know you guys know that I DO cherish you and love you. From my bestest bud - YanTing, to close friends - Shehana, Kelin, YuPing, Sharyn, Brian the God-Bro... It's been a while since we've hung out together, you know?

I know I can look for these guys when something gets me down, but I don't know why I just can't. All I do is try to fight against the feelings, fight against the challenges, try to backfire, struggle against everything. Nothing ever works out.

I've read blogs. Heard my friends lament and worry about whats in for them next year. Its like, I feel this is the end of the road for everyone who's feeling down bout their results. This is just for the people I mentioned earlier... I know it feels horrible. That feeling, that fear of knowing you're going go down. Keep the faith people. Work hard. Believe in yourselves, we'll graduate and leave this school together. We won't leave anyone behind.

I just wanted to get everything out... I'm finding it very hard to breathe with all that bottled up inside.

As for myself... I'm screwing things up. I know you don't know what, but my best bud does. She knows. I'm glad she understands. I'm thankful.

I'll just stop here.. I really DON'T KNOW what to do next.

XOXO

/ Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I PROCLAIM MYSELF OFFICIALLY PARANOID.

'NUF SAID. YOU KNOW I AM, SO TELL ME I AM.

xD

XOXO

/ Tuesday, October 18, 2005

You want the verdict? I'll give you the DOOMSDAY VERDICT.

It was alright. Except that I screwed A*Math. But I don't really care now. I passed the rest.

Why do I always have to go through this shit after all the exams? Its like one after another, this shit just never ends.

You just don't get me, do you? Cuz I'm making no sense here.

But just let me ramble on. This my blog anyways.

I don't know. I don't what the hell is going on right now. I'm worrying and all that shit, and its tearing me up inside. I don't know what this means. I don't know why he looked at me as if I was a complete stranger, like we never met before. Never had a conversation.

I don't know. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. All the SHIT that's piling up on me.

Because partly he's not here. Because partly I'm just being paranoid. Like I always was. Like I always am. Tell me I am.

People around me tell me it's all gonna be okay. One tells me to believe in him. He'll come and tell me whats wrong.

I've got a sickening feeling that she's wrong this time.

I know I sound friggin dramatic, but thats the way I feel now.

XOXO

/ Monday, October 17, 2005

Firstly, I'm EXHAUSTED.

Secondly, I have a SPLITTING HEADACHE.

Thirdly, some SHIT is stuck at the bottom of my throat and I can't flush it down with friggin WATER.

I don't know why. I think I'm falling sick. Aw, DAMN. Not at this time, God. Its after EXAMS!!

Talking about that SHIT, I'm getting results back tomorrow. I tell you what's gonna suck. E.Math Paper 1 gon suck. A*Math gon suck. So yeah, thats about it. Hopefully the rest is okay.

Every friggin minute passes but it friggin feels like an hour. Maybe I logged on too early.

I wanna sleep early. I wanna I wanna I wanna.

But NOOO. I must at least talk to... Yeah you know. *Sheepish grin*

Anyways. Let me just calm down a bit. And kill some time here. Blog about what happened today.

Went for choir early morn', learnt songs, but we weren't very good when we all combined. I think the Altos sucked. Seriously. We lost our parts halfway. We needa BUCK UP.

Then had brunch-lunch-funch whateverrrr at Mac. Hung out with usual trio. That makes 4 - a quad. But we shall not link this to Math.

Went to NTUC to get ingredients to make friggin egg tarts at YanTing's crib. Kelin went home first to get a VCD.

Watched the VCD at YanTing's crib, played with Matthew. Awww that sweeetie. Then got started on the egg tarts only at about, 3?

Had fun. Surprisingly I could handle it okay. Usually I was pathetic at kitchen stuff.

I'm sorry but my future husband has to take care of ME. Not the other way around. xD

But hey, don't worry. Things change. :P

Final product was COOOOOL. Tasted our own egg tarts, then departed from the mortal world to rise up to Heaven.

No kidding people.

It's for Modular Day actually. Just hoping that Mrs Low will accept our proposal and not some other lame-ass shit. But I don't blame the rest.

I must STOP using all that words.

Finished up around 5, I left at 5.15. Had a lil gastric working up on the way home. Got home, headache got worse. Popped a Panadol after dinner. Not working.

I wanna sleep earlier. I wanna I wanna I wanna.

But bed-time's 10. HAH.

Man, I really need someone to talk to. I need to rain down on somebody about tomorrow. I'm being so f***ing paranoid.

Stop stop stop.

I must stop.

AHHHHHHH.

Pray for me, will ya?

XOXO

/ Sunday, October 16, 2005

Okay I admit. I'm HUNGRY.

I'm sooooooooo glad finals are really over.

Tuesday is DOOMSDAY. You know why.

Anyway, I made this other blog where I'm gonna post all my short stories and poetry and stuff... Sad to say, the stories that I post up on winglin.net aren't really... Being read. So yeah.

Here's the link. www.wordsofstories.blogspot.com I know it sounds a lil weird. But leave a tag okay? I've only posted up one story. Hahahaaha.

Okay. Not funny.

Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.

Nothing much now. Just wanted to update.

Ciao. ((:

XOXO

/ Saturday, October 15, 2005

Okay I think I'll update.

Been out the whole afternoon, lunched at some restaurant then went on a "road trip". Was bored stiff.

Its my Grandma's 80th birthday today, so we are gonna have a big celebration. *SNORTS* Yeah right. Considering the number of people that are far TOO BUSY to turn up, I don't think the celebration is going to be BIG anyhow.

But lets just see how it goes. I hope someone remember the digicam. Sucky I don't have one.

I can rely on my phone tho.

Hmmm. Corpse Bride. Just thought about it. It's a musical movie kinda thing, which is cool. At least some creativity there. The last scene was almost heart-warming. Should catch it if you haven't. Hmmm. Next movie I'm gonna zoom in on is.. Well. I don't really know, do I?

Anyways. Here are pathetic 2 pictures we took. EH! SHEHANA! Sorry didn't get to go to the beach that day. But we WILLLLL. I must cycle!!

Yanting and MEEEE. Besties? I hope. Far too many things have been tearing us apart. I miss laughing you know.

from left: Sharrryyyyyn. Shehaaaaaaanaaa. Yannnntttinnnnggg. MMMMMMMMEE. Keeeellliiiiiinnn.

I forgot to remove my specs. HAH.

Aiights thats about it. Gotta get ready for the BIG CELEBRATION.

So called.

XOXO

/ Friday, October 14, 2005

I think I'll sleep early tonight.

Life can't be any worse without him around.

Oh, yeah. Thanks *WINSON* again for finding me 精灵 lyrics. Hahas.. I'm kinda addicted to it. I think it's beautiful.

Thursday was our last paper - thank God. Went to watch Corpse Bride. It satisfied me. It was just the way I wanted it to be.

But things are different at home.

As I said, my parents are arguing over some shit. But it's not anybody's fault. I wasn't born into a perfect family with riches. I used to. But that was in the past.

I can't open up, I can't smile because I know they're on bad terms. You expect me to go on like nothing's happened between my parents? I can't. And you can't blame me for shutting myself up.

Thats why the more I think I should have an early night. Since he's not here.. It's the first time I'm going offline so early on a Friday night.

But things will change. I hope.

And I admit I'm tired. I'm so glad exams are finally over.

I guess I'd better get a good night's rest.

- 我会等待你能接受这么爱 . ]]

XOXO

/ Sunday, October 09, 2005

Time to blog time to blog time to blog.

Man, I haven't been studying since I woke. But I have since last week. It's History, I'm gonna do Germany. I've got it all prepared, a three page essay on Germany. Did you know "Ihr Kampf" means "Their Struggle" in German?

Yeah I got the translation word thingie.

Anyways.

What's been up? Just me muddling through exams. Let me tell you which paper SUCKED.

A*Math did. Even E.Math paper one. Paper One!! I screwed up the whole thing, and yet I thought it would be.. An okay paper. I'm gonna make sure I do good in Paper 2.

Then I'm gonna watch Corpse Bride. Then go to the beach.

Did I mention? I typed in another story yesterday in Notepad. Then when I tried to save in a diskette, my comp hung on me. Thank yooou so much. That was a damned long story right there.

So I'm gonna type it in now. Arghhhh.

Okay. I better make sure I study this afternoon.

I'm not supposed to be in school on Tues. There's no paper for me.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Oh, and one more thing. He's still the SWEETEST guy ever. LOL.

XOXO

/ Thursday, October 06, 2005

I'm supposed to be studying.

SUPPOSED TO BE.

But yes I'm here sitting in the comfort of my school library. Enjoying the air-con. Brian is like, laughing at everything. LOL. AND! Mr Ignatius just came in. Brian says he's GAY.

But anyways.

Nearly a week has gone by, hopefully I can get the exams done and over with. I can't wait. There's SO many things I wanna do like watch Corpse Bride, go to the beach and blaa blaaa. Yeah you know.

Nothing much has been going on, since now it's the exam period. Everybody's muggin so hard.
-.0

I don't know, but I feel like I've learn SO many other things about life. Hmmm.

So this post ends here. I guess.

HEEEEEE.

XOXO

/ Saturday, October 01, 2005

WHERE IS MY MUSICCCC???? *ROARS*

Stupid iwebtunes. Stupid stupid stupid. Took away my music huh?

Finals are approaching. Its already the first of October. What do I expect?

Working hard now. Bruise my heart by depriving myself from what I wanna see and hear... Expect the bruises to be healed. They say bruises will be healed but hurt feelings will never be.

What am I crappin on anyway?

Mountains of books pile up on the balcony table over at Grams', stacks of books pile up on my work table back home here. Waiting to be opened. Waiting to be studied. Man, I just realized I HATE those FREAKING exams.

I haven't even started on Bio, but I've ran through the rest. Looking fine so far.

Lotsa stuffies been happening, I just don't know what.

Good thing is I feel my inspiration coming back to me. Been starting to write a poem [and a long one indeed] and worked on this ... Hmmm. Piece of artwork? Nahh. I'm not an art student. The picture sucks tho'. And you know I can't draw.

Okay. I was thinking of putting it here but... Never mind. I'll probably be laughed at. If you wanna see it, just tag me on MSN and I'll put it in my display picture.

AHHH. Need to STOP crapping.

Oh and I MUST watch this !!
Corpse Bride, you dumbass.

It's like, SO COOL.

I don't care.

I'm watching this after the last paper.

Anyone with me??

I have to seriously stop crapping.

Okay.

Will stop here then.

(:

Haiiii.

XOXO

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