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/ Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Actually, I'm getting quite tired of this blogskin.

But anyways.

Last night I was hoping for a better tomorrow. Hoping that I won't screw up my performance for Teachers' Day celebration today.

I didn't.

((((:

I wanna thank EVERYONE. Everyone who made this possible. Everyone who gave me a chance. Everyone who believed in me. Everyone who supported, everyone who was there.

Because you don't know how it feels like - to hear people screaming for you the minute you step on-stage. To feel the fear draining away, courage, confidence and strength taking over.

To hear my own voice fill the hall. To hear applause after the first line is sung. To hear the inhalation of my own breath.

Overwhelmed, delirious, everything.

Thanks to everyone.

Try as I may, I don't think I will ever forget this day.

One more thing.

PA crew, you guys worked hard, but look what you did to screw up the Chinese Karaoke performance.

Keling's mic was NOT working.

I repeat, NOT.

So she signalled. And what did you do? Stare back at her.

So had any how pissed that made her?

Good. So learn.

Back to the point.

So yeah. I wanna perform for Graduation Day. WHOOPIES.

Out.

XOXO

/ Tuesday, August 30, 2005

How can things change so fast?

Why do things change?

Why does certain stuff HAVE to happen?

Why do we make so many mistakes? Is it just one of the human errors that we all have?

What is it?

I feel so drained. So worn-out. So tired. So debilitated.

I don't know what else to say.

So if SHE thinks it was easy getting through this, I'm sorry, but it wasn't. You think I meant to disappoint you? You think I wanted to? You think I didn't work hard enough? You think I was careless?

No, I wasn't.

YOU ARE SUCH A MAJOR PISS-OFF.

Arghh.

All you do is make my life miserable. Make me feel so ashamed, so lowly. So stupid. We were okay once, and now you wanna start another cold war?

Fine. Fine with ME.

You're oh-so-close to me. And yet all you do is to discourage me. Your words, your expression, every damned thing. You think I wanted to do that?

This is going out to you. If you know who you are.

If not, bugger off.

I feel so broken.

XOXO

/ Monday, August 29, 2005

My life is crazy, but I'm loving it.

August is such a BLAST.

Sec 3 life is such a BLAST.

Wheeee. ((:

I feel like I'm involved in so many things. Every single day I've got stuff to do. Things to run. People to talk to. Like I've got a real life to lead. I do.

I plan to just slack for this one whole week, but I'm gonna get up and start working again during the holidays.

Now.. Haven't got any test papers back yet, and I DO NOT intend to see ANY one of them.

I just wanna enjoy this. My life. The way it all should be. In place like a complete jigsaw.

Ever got tired of waiting for something to happen? And it just doesn't?

I don't know, but I don't really look into that now. I just wanna move on.

But that doesn't mean I'm giving up.

Okay. So he's not online.

But whateverrrr.

XOXO

/ Sunday, August 28, 2005

Just what is life?

Don't ask me.

Been drowning in my vast emptiness of sorrow and boredom. Yup, kinda upset that he's not around, but shall make do with it.

Okay. But honestly.

It just hurts, the way I miss him.

Oh, Maroon 5's "She Will Be Loved" keeps playing in my head. Might as well change my blog song later.

As I see this term quickly drawning to end, fear, yes, fear. Fear hits me. I don't know what I'm afraid of.

Okay. So I am afraid. And maybe I do know what I'm afraid of.

- Getting my sucky results back.
- Having to confess to him.

Don't people just GET it? Things are just fine between us now. I'm not gonna spoil it by asking how he feels about me. And you think I don't wanna know how he feels? I do.

What am I gonna do if the answer is negative?

What am I supposed to say?

I was never the expert. Never.

Okay.

I gotta get myself together. I gotta stop thinking so much.

Just move on.

Lead the life I always had.

And pretend that nothing is hurting me?

No way.

XOXO

/ Saturday, August 27, 2005

Okay. Back onto the computer.

If it irritates you that I keep changing my blog song, I apologize.

So met Shehana this afternoon. Watched Frankie perform. Heaven Bound huh? It's cool. So Heaven Bound till you pulled off the electrical plug. Frankie, you will NOT do that tomorrow, you hear me? (:

Then Shehana had to go back to her crew at Esplanade. Me, Mom, Dad, and Frank's family [except him] all went back to Tiong Bahru station. Bought a black collared top from Baleno. HEHS. Am gonna wear it on Wed for my performance - dance with the other NDP people "Let's Get It Started" and then a song for all the teachers'. Gonna have fun.

Got a new haircut. At least it's a new look. My fringe is now chin-length, then its kinda tapered all the way to the back. I don't know. I like this hairstyle. I look CUTE.

LOL.

Yeah so thats about it. Sitting, waiting around, to see if he comes online. Hmm. I should study History - got a test on Mon.

I don't know if YanTing has called Replugged to ask if Juliet's free tomorrow for some questions we wanna ask regarding our Lifeskills project. I should've known better. I simply cannot trust YanTing to do this. I think she's already snoozing.

I hope she doesn't forget our appointment tomorrow.

And the Lifeskills project is indeed a major piss-off. I seriously, don't FEEL like doing it. Its dumb.

Okay, better get started on some serious work. I think I'll be sleeping late tonight.

XOXO

/ Saturday, August 27, 2005

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Really I don't.

I feel so restless. I don't feel like doing ANYTHING.

I can't even concentrate on changing my blogskin.

I don't feel like doing my CME project.

I don't feel like studying or doing any homework.

And I'm so bored.

S.E.R.I.O.U.S.L.Y.

What is with me?

There's really nothing to dooooo.

Gonna meet Shehana later to watch my cousin Frank's band play for some charity thingie. Thing is, how do I get to Raffles station??

My God.

I'm such a road idiot.

I don't know whhyyyy.

AHHHH!

XOXO

/ Thursday, August 25, 2005

ARIGHTY.

I'm over and done with the freaking common tests.

Stuff happened. Can't say what.

Been stressed and upset and everything for the last four days. But now I guess everything's fine.

Can't update no more.

If I only knew how it all feels.

XOXO

/ Saturday, August 20, 2005

Calling all peeps free next weekend - Come down to Orchard to support band T4:3!!

((:

Frank, be thankful you've got a cousin like ME.

If you're interested, get the details from me ASAP.

I'm not gonna post it up here.

LOLS.

For a good reason, kae?

---

I've been up waiting - but people have told me there's no point.

What can I do?

Maybe I should really stop believing in miracles too much. Or I'll end up hurting myself.

It's Sunday tomorrow, I've got a lot to do.

I'm seeing pimples sprouting up all over my face.

And I'm damn tired.

Maybe I should just forget about drilling myself and go get some sleep.

I just...

Haaiiii.

XOXO

/ Saturday, August 20, 2005

Okay. So I haven't been updating.

I was busy.

Busy revising for the coming common tests. All my life I see myself flunking tests and messing things up for myself.

Now I'm just taking time off Math, later gotta go back to studying Chem and Phy.

I wonder how long this is gonna take.

Did I say I wanted to post my pictures here?

Oops.

Okay. How about now?

I feel kinda worn out though. It's only 3.30PM in the afternoon.

Where are my pictures???

I am so pathetic.

XOXO

/ Saturday, August 13, 2005

Abo bo leg shaaa. I am a man in Jamacain.

WAHAHHAS.

GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT?

I shall calm down.

I'm watching the repeated NDP right now, in my room on my telly. And I saw myself on TV.

Yes.

I freaking saw myself on TV. I saw that Bendemeer guy, I saw Brian in the first row, then I saw Kelin, Mui Hoon, YanTing, ME!!!, Ivy.

OMG.

This is incredible.

Okay okay. We were doing the Malay medley when we got captured. I think. WAHAHAHAS!!

I'M ON TV!!!

((:

I don't believe this. Me?? TV??

I was screaming my head off.

But anyway.

My friends told me the New Paper stated that the choir had the worst looking costumes. They said we looked like potato sacks with sequins on it.

Well, for your information, New Paper editors, the combined schools' choir DID NOT HAVE the WORST looking COSTUMES. Cuz we ROCKED. You could be nice enough to save the discrimination. But you weren't.

Go pick on those coloured pringles. But their costumes weren't that bad either.

HAH.

I'm gonna pause and point out to my family where I am when I watch the tape again. I was kinda blocked by the stupid hat and my stupid glasses. I looked gay. BUT AT LEAST I WAS ON TV!!!

Wahahas.

Found a way to upload photos up into my blog, will do it later.

WOOOO HOO.

XOXO

/ Thursday, August 11, 2005

Been busy and so was everyone.

That's why no one wants to TAG right?

That's why no one wants to READ right?

Whatever. I'm updating for ME.

I got sent outta class today. For the very FIRST TIME. For not writing the first paragraph of introduction of my persuasive essay. Felt really exhausted suddenly, and got a small headache. Then I felt like puking. Seriously.

The rest of the day went on as usual.

Common tests are like, one more week after this. Yet I'm still here. I don't believe what I'm doing.

I can't believe Robert and Rendy just added me into MSN. Whoa. Thanks, Shehana. Not blaming you but.. Never mind.

One whole chunk of me is missing when he's not here. And every minute feels like an hour.

Maybe I should stop believing in miracles so much.

XOXO

/ Tuesday, August 09, 2005

I'm supposed to sleep now but...

I know its 5 minutes pass 12 midnight, but I still must say this.

HAPPY NATIONAL DAY SINGAPORE - I LOOOVE YOOUU!!

Yay.

As I sat there on the bleachers and saw people in red file into the stadium, a surge of unity washed over me. Yup, that was definitely the way S'pore should be.

The atmosphere was unlike any other rehearsals - I was amazed by the loud roar of the audience and their enthusiasm. Surprisingly the Padang wave kept going and going even after the MCs stopped.

Then the same old things - if you had watched it on TV you'd know. The parade segment was kinda boring tho'. Waiting for the various groups to march in and out and all.

Oh and did you catch the fireworks?? They were AMAZING.

The finale rocked as usual. The best part was Taufik waved at YanTing and me. HAAH. YEEEAAAHSS. And I was still so calm. I mean, c'mon, its TAUFIK we're talking about. And he waved at us. And I'm still so composed. Woah. What's wrong with me?

He is SO HOT. Sweet dreams for me tonight I guess. Rui En was STUNNING in her gown and all. ((:

We didn't really party for the post-party parade but at least we had some fun with the dancers. Hahas. YanTing found a new "sweetheart". I'm so gonna change my seat on Thursday when school starts.

Went for supper with Kelvin and the rest opposite school. Its the first and final supper I had. It was cool.

Now we all gotta face the fact - NDP is over. Even when I say this, there's this little pin pricking my heart. So I kinda can't bear to let it go. And same goes for the rest of the NDP people.

All good things come to an end, people. Just be happy it happened.

As I sat there on the bus on the way back to school, I realized many things. Many things about the NDP we'll be missing. And it feels like I'm losing it all.

Anyway, I know the rest feels the same - YanTing, Brian, Ivy, Marailyn, YuPing, Mui Hoon, Kelin and everybody else.

But let's end with a happy note.

Just wanted to let the whole world know S'pore is the BEST country one can ever live in. Even though we are small, but we are ever-growing, we are strong.

So rock on Singapore, we loooove youu. Hahas.

Gotta gooo.

XOXO

/ Monday, August 08, 2005

Right guys.

I've changed my blogskin AGAIN. The previous one was kinda... too simple.

This blogskin is sweet.

Wrote 2 songs in my spare time today - "Within" and "Waiting".

Works of an amateur but you gotta forgive me. Well, here goes.

"Within"

I don't understand why
There ain't no reason for it
Those feelings you made me feel
Runs in my soul so deep
We started out as simply friends
When love came along
I just couldn't comprehend
Were you feeling the way I did,
Or was it just pretence?

When I see you and me together in those eyes
I pray there'll never be goodbye...

Chorus* Cuz within our hearts we both share
The same bliss, happiness and care
Its unexplainable, undeniable
Within my heart I know
You're all I ever wanted, yeah
All I ever knew

One night you started talking
About that other girl
Half my world crumbled down on me
While images of you and me swirled
Maybe it was a lie after all
Maybe it all wasn't true
So what do I have to say now
To get back to you?

When I see you and me together in those eyes
I pray there'll never be goodbye...

Chorus*

People often say
Watching your love love another is hard
You often said
Sealed with a promise, we would never be that far
Where are you now when I need you beside me?
Perhaps its time I spread my wings to fly free

Chorus*

And here's another

"Waiting"

I stood by the window
Watching the snow fall
Watched as the sky grew dark
Stood, as emptiness seeped in
The sky is deathly blue
The night is hushed
I fall into my reverie
Thinking of how much of you I lust

Chorus* Counting down the days you'll be back again
Counting down the days till I see you again
Watching and waiting for your shadow to appear
I'll stay frozen, I'll be waiting right here

The water has frozen
Trapped in its own time
Fallen leaves lie embedded in the snow
As I feel the winter winds grow old

Chorus*

Walls of this shelter have begun to crumble
Time has stopped moving
Life isn't complete without you here
Life isn't life without you here

Chorus*

My love, I've been waiting
Waiting for my heart to beat again
I've been waiting
Waiting to hold you in my arms again

Yeah. So that's all I have.

Finally the NDP celebration tomorrow - can't wait. Will seriously put on the best show ever.

All good things come to an end, so be happy knowing that it actually happened to you. ((:

Keep smiling NDP peeps, catch y'all tomorrow.

Ciao.

XOXO

/ Sunday, August 07, 2005

People often say... Watching the one you love love another is like.. one of the hardest thing to do..

And being close to the one you love, and knowing that with each passing day, when he opens or closes his eyes, the picture he sees in front of him is just not you, but someone else...

Being with the one you love, but the words that spill out of his mouth are not about you, but about someone else...

There are so many hard and hurtful things to get through...

For me, it just keeps getting worse.

My parents can be major piss-offs. But I don't wanna elaborate on that. Everything I do, everything I say is just WRONG to them.

Like I'm supposed to be a perfect human and do everything right.

And I'm not allowed to show it when I'm upset with something. Like I'm stripped of my feelings. How am I gonna be human like that?

Anyway.

Just don't wanna update anymore.

Too much pain.

Can't wait for tomorrow.

XOXO

you mean THIS much to me/ Saturday, August 06, 2005

A big shout-out to all HFFH-ians - I love you all, for always being there for me.

After all the thinking, I just wanted to put this down.

And you all know who this is going out to.

Many reasons why you wanted to keep your true feelings from me.

Because, maybe, firstly, you just didn't want to let me know we were compatible. But why?

Because, maybe, you just wanted to bottle it all up. When you obviously know my feelings for you.

And maybe... You found it hard to spend quality time with me. That's why you didn't tell me what there was to say. But ever looked up the word "try" in your dictionary?

Some have told me to hang in there, some have asked me if I'm deciding to give it up.

I'm back on the same old track again, I can see it's worn out and torn. The track where I once used to stand frozen at. The road with 2 directions.

But this time, I'll make sure I won't go wrong.

If you can make up your mind about something, so can I.

So here's what I wanna say :

For now, I'm gonna hold on. But I guess I'll never stop hurting.

The reality I used to share with you - the happiness and bliss, has now turned into a nightmare with hurtful feelings and the nightmare - of seeing you and her together, is now reality.

Because of the way you talk about her, the way you paint the picture. It all seems so real.

For you, you just see you and her being together. For me, half of my world comes crashing down. This heart of mine suddenly breaks into two big pieces. But you didn't see the crumbles of earth surrounding me. You didn't see a broken heart. You didn't see me falling apart. Because I didn't allow you to.

So what if you did?

You're never gonna admit to your feelings, aren't you?

And I won't either.

This isn't a game. So whats if all this hiding?

Am I supposed to make the first move, AGAIN?

I'll never let go - unless one day you tell me you don't like me the way a guy likes his girl even for all her imperfections.

Then I'll let go.

But if that day never comes, I'll just keep hanging on.

And I wonder how long I can last.

XOXO

/ Saturday, August 06, 2005

Yes, I've changed my blogskin and things are not working out for me.

The music's not playing, and where are my lyrics?

And I just realized I'm hungry.

It's been another hectic week packed with NDP rehearsals - speaking of which, National Day Parade is just around the corner. Remember to tune in and catch US [the choir]!!

Been to a Macbeth play last night with my peeps and got home around 11.20. The bus took us to Singapore Conference Hall instead of DBS Arts Centre. Well, thank you very much Mr. Bus Driver but I think we would have reached it far earlier than you did if we went ourselves.

(:

Yeah. It was a full house, the place was kinda small tho'. The stage was small. 2 rows of empty seats were reserved for us in the middle. The place was dark when we all got in. The first word that escaped my mouth was "WOW." Because the stage was so close to the audience. Because the characters seemed so near. Because the atmosphere was just right.

But it was complex though. Imagine yourself walking in in a middle of play and not having a clue about the whole thing.

But I wanna thank a teacher of mine who came during the holidays for an English Enrichment Course. He told us the story of Macbeth.

I ended up explaining to Ivy the whole thing during the interval. Instead of her explaining to me. I felt so Literature-ish.

The amazing and quite annoying thing was that the character could stand on the stage and keep babbling on and on about something which I didn't quite understand. I was like, "Okay.. Um.. Yes.. Uh. What?" the whole time.

Anyway, it's a good experience.

Supposed to be at 3rd Place today for FREE tuitioning but did not go because I'm debilitated.

Sorry guys.

Later.

XOXO

/ Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I'm sorry.

If you looked at me and thought I was okay, I'm sorry, but you're wrong.

I'm just not.

I've been re-playing the words in my mind over and over again. Wondering if I should believe what they say.

Wondering if I should believe what I say.

Wondering if I should believe what my heart says.

Because I'm kinda confused and lost. I don't know which way to go now.

But all I know is, I'm not gonna let anything put me down.

I'm gonna try enduring all the pain I can. Pain has always been knocking on my door - it won't do me anymore harm if I let it in again. Cuz I've felt it all before. And now I'm doing it for something that's worth-while.

If I can't make him change his mind I can at least leave an impression on him. The impression that I was the one who always understood him.

I honestly don't really care about whats gonna happen now and whats happening, I just need a sense of direction to keep walking. In my mind I'm still stuck on a winding road with no map, no nothing.

But still.

He didn't have to put me through all this pain, did he?

I guess he had no choice.

I don't wanna think anymore. I'm being damned paranoid today and that is so flipping me out.

Why is there gastric again?

SHIT.

XOXO

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