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/ Sunday, July 31, 2005

I'm sorry but it's time for me to get emotional again.

What's a blog for anyway?

I can't describe the feeling the minute I came online and saw him there. I can't tell you what it felt like to just talk to him. It's a kinda special feeling, like a sudden wave, like a rush, like an over-dosage of joy. Whoaa.

Then we got talking. And it started to sink in. I don't know why but suddenly it started to ache. Knowing that he possibly couldn't be thinking of me.

But now. It's aching even more. And I'm thinking that maybe its about time I give up. Crushes never worked out for me. NEVER.

Is it the way I drive my own life or is it just fate? Is it that destiny's not on MY side? Why is it everyone finds their own star to follow so easily? Why can't I?

He was my star. I followed him. Now look where we are. I have a feeling it's gonna come to end. Time's running out.

It's either I let go now or just try to make him change his mind. But I know I can't.

Everytime I pray so hard for something to happen between him and me, it just doesn't. I guess it never will.

But still.

I know I came this far for only one thing. Am I just gonna let it go like that?

People will be so disappointed in me. They too, know what exactly I'm searching for.

It's starting to hurt, just thinking about it. I don't wanna hear about it anymore. I wish I didn't even get myself into this mess in the first place.

All of the previous crushes never worked out. So why should this?

I thought we've already achieved something, I thought we've already established a kinda relationship that I've never had before.

But I was wrong. Because I thought too much. Because I assumed. Because I dreamed. Because I didn't think twice. Because I thought it was real.

When it all wasn't.

And it wasn't as real as I saw it yesterday.

Why now?

I don't know what I'm gonna become after this. Half the world's already crashing down on me. I can hardly hold the other half.

There's not much pain now, but I just feel like letting it all out. Like hang my legs over the edge of a cliff and cry or something.

And I just realized something.

The biggest mistake I've ever made this year was not letting him know.

And that is damn stupid.

XOXO

/ Saturday, July 30, 2005

It's getting kinda boring - there's no one to talk to. So I'm on Habbo Hotel. Haah. I can't help it. Loneliness just seems to seep right through my door.

Anyways. Habbo makes life even more boring.

NDP Preview today rocked as usual. Bummer we couldn't stay back to party with the dancers. I don't know whats up with the management. The night ended too soon.

Took a few pictures with Kelvin, our very own Marshall before I got in my parents' car. Wondered if they all went for supper. Not fair - I had to go home.

The medicine's beginning to make me drowsy so I guess I'd better get offline early. I've got lots to do tomorrow.

- E.Math
- Chemistry
- Social Studies revision

Doesn't look like much but never mind.

I have no idea when I'm gonna start revising for my common tests, but I'm pretty sure I won't be starting anytime soon. I am THE dead duck.

Blogskins' still crackin' things up for me, I don't know why. Gotta keep trying somehow.

I just remembered.

It's gonna be August in a few days and I've yet to change my blogskin.

Greatttt.

XOXO

/ Friday, July 29, 2005

Medicine is one of the most amazing stuff in the world.

I feel SO much better now, I'm all set and ready for NDP. But still feeling a bit drowsy cuz of the medicine I guess.

I will sleep early, since he's not online. And he won't be either.

Been doodling through every period in my little notebook - writing lyrics and drawing and stuff. Wasn't paying much attention since it was a Friday.

Got back E.Math test, thank God I didn't flunk. 15/20. Careless mistake in finding gradient and in reading the graph.

How much more blur can I get?

I don't wanna be like Jessica you know.

Anyways.. Nothing much today. Blogskins won't let me enter their site, and I have work to do on Sunday. Hmm.

It's about time I try starting to sleep earlier on the weekends.

Might've seen I changed the blog song. I don't understand a word, but you could click here www.babelfish.altavista.com/tr for the translation. Song's in Spanish for the blur people out there. ((: No offence?

"No Me Ames" just simply means you don't love me.

Hmm.. And I wonder.

XOXO

/ Thursday, July 28, 2005

Yup. That's the way.

Sit around and and slack while common tests creep around you from your four walls.

That's the way.

Stick your ass to the computer chair and refuse to get off until your bed-time.

Yeah.

Allow yourself to rot away instead of filling up that empty brain of yours with useful things.

Oh, it's all good. Carry on.

Haiiiii.

Whatever.

Sorry guys for not being at Third Place today. I was feeling really horrible so I went to see a doctor. Pray that I'll be fine tomorrow.

Cuz I wanna enjoy my NDP.

Dunno la. Don't feel like updating anymore.

XOXO

/ Wednesday, July 27, 2005

I have flu and I'm coughing.

I so hate this. Why am I falling sick at such a time?

But hold on.

Nothing seems to matter as much when he's around. Somehow... All the wrong things, all the bad stuff seem to just fade away. It feels so much better that way.

For now, there's nothing much to say, just that he's my miracle. ((:

Sharyn and Shehana - I seriously miss you guys. 3E2 is never the same without you.

Since I'm down with this syndrome, I shall sleep early.

- To see a thousand things within a single picture is to see it from different perspectives. [Me]

XOXO

/ Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Everyone has shitty days.

I just had one. Well, almost like it.

Ever had those days when you came home from school feeling like a loser, and you just want to let it all out? But you don't. You tell your parents school was okay, ate your dinner alone and did your homework. Wishing it had all been different. Wishing it had been the way you wanted it to be.

But it just wasn't.

I feel so small because...

- My feelings overpower me too much
- I'm left behind to walk in their shadows
- There's pain in me
- I'm the one who can't seem to open up like SHE can
- I'm the one whose always silent and on the other side
- I'm the one who loses all confidence when there's stronger opponents
- I'm the one whose life can't go the way I want it to

Of course, there are things that keep me going...

* HIM : even though sometimes it might hurt [like today] seeing him doing stuff that I don't want him to, he keeps me going.
* FRIENDS : thank you all for being my listening ear. Sometimes you guys are better than my diary. ((:
* FAMILY: okay maybe only my cousins. Parents will never understand.
* SPIRIT: yup, the fighter kinda spirit in me.

Everyone HAS shitty days. You just don't know when, and you don't know whats gonna come your way. The most sucky thing is that it catches you off-guard. And when it does, how are you gonna handle it?

Whatever is is, I still won't give up yet.

Cuz this is something worth fighting for.

XOXO

/ Sunday, July 24, 2005

E-Mail Errors..

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.

XOXO

/ Saturday, July 23, 2005

If anyone were to ask me what is the most intoxicating, the most debilitating, the happiest, the BEST thing I've ever done so far will be the NDP.

NDP rocks my world than anything else right now.

I didn't know there would be some partying to do after today's NDP final rehearsal. I DID NOT KNOW. But there was.

Nearly about 10 over beautiful girls and guys were on-stage dancing to those kinda clubbing music with a LIVE DJ!!! CAN YOU IMAGINE?? They were ON the Padang stage, and dancing. Guess who's the instructor??? None other than our MR. ZAINI!!

We people are ON HIGH. We were screaming, doing hand signs, dancing to everything. The dancers were delirious, they kept coming to the sides to scream with us. The whole thing was just crazy I just kept wanting more. YEAAAH!!

NDP ROCKS MY WORLD SO MUCH.

I did video some of them dancing, Shehana - you've got to see them. If only you were there!! ((:

Kelin didn't come today... *sighs* - She's sick. We miss you, get will soon okayy? God bless youuu.

Hmm... Next week's the Preview for the public, hopefully everyone involved puts on a great showww!

Heard we were on TV live for today's rehearsal... Hmm.. Didn't get to see it.

The coming Monday's is the SYF Gold Choirs concert at the Esplanade!! I seriously cannot wait.

That's all I can think about now. I was feeling so weak this morning, but now I feel like I've just been born.

Rock on peeps. Love y'all.

XOXO

/ Friday, July 22, 2005

It's amazing how I can live each day, without knowing what happened, what I did, what I said.. And what I wanted to do and what I did not do.

My life is not a mess, but now that I've planned out my time, I see things clearer. But still. I can't remember what happened today.

Been hanging around late after school, reaching home about 6 plus. I can't believe I'm even doing that.

On Mon - learnt dance steps for school's NDP celebration [whole choir].

Tues - Can't remember.

Wed - Had my first REAL PE game this year. Kelin got eye infection. Went to NeWater plant far far away. The whole thing was SO COOOL. Kelin missed out. LOLS.

Thurs - Third Place cuz Brian, YuPing, Kelin and Sharyn's 2 other friends started on their guitar lessons. Shehana and I did homework. Catherine tutored Sharyn on Math. I videoed the whole thing.

Fri - Which is today... Had another rehearsal for NDP school. Found that Miss Ruth Lee and Mr Kaddy Koh are being soloists for the song "Reach Out For The Skies". Okay. Miss Ruth Lee is okay. BUT MR KADDY KOH??? WHO IS HE KIDDING??

OH, and guess what? Picture him singing Taufik's part. HELLOOO?

Yeah you've got him for Taufik, I've got William Hung. How's that?

But no offence, seriously.

But still.

HOW COULD THEY???

I don't get it.

Anyway. NDP final rehearsal again tomorrow, Mom and Dad's going. Told em to wear RED in order to be patriotic. Forgot to tell them not to be spoil-sports and wave their flags and do the Padang Wave if they are supposed to do. Warned Mom about the toilets clogging up every system in your body be it respiratory, digestive, lymphatic... Every system will go crazy.

What else...?

Guess that's about it. Can't wait. Heehs.

His smile is so beautiful (((: I never meant to fall into him. But it's just that I did. But still, there's gotta be more than this.

XOXO

/ Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I must stop slacking.

Even tho' I've been working pretty hard these few days. HFFH thinks I'm crazy to try to do homework in Third Place. Okay, so I wrote a song instead.

I WROTE A FREAKING SONG titled "I'm Sorry". Sounds pretty gay, but wait till the song is done. Shehana's got part of the tune now!! Owh yeahs.

I can't believe I wrote a song. Maybe it's about time I changed my profile from "Vocalist" to "Vocalist/Lyricist". Hehs.

ANYYWAAAYYY.

I must stop slacking. Yes I must and I will.

I must get my tutor to go through Coordinate Geometry with me tomorrow. Before I screw up all over again.

Ciao!

XOXO

/ Saturday, July 16, 2005

Forget shitty school days, NDP rehearsals is my remedy.

HAH.

As I said, I WILL blog about this.

Had to reach school at 9.30am today for make up shit, but in the end us amateurs were pathetically not made up. LOLS. Anyway.

They had some professionals make up artists over at the Padang, so next week I'm planning to go without make up - leave the job to those great artists y'all!

NDP is starting to rock a lot. Well it started drizzling, and then the rain got heavier this evening. But we still stood and sang and danced and all. The crowd was crazzzyy and I mean it.

YEEAAH. And we managed to see Taufik and Rui En!! Owwwwh yeeah. Taufik so totally didn't look at us even tho' we were screaming his name. But whatever. HE WAS SO HOT.

Adrain Pang winked, smiled and gave us a thumbs-up sign. WOOOTS!!

And it all feels like what it should be.

And I'm loving it.

XOXO

/ Friday, July 15, 2005

Some things are just not as simple as you think.

Look. I did not flunk my Chemistry test. I passed. I did not screw up my E.Math test. I passed. I don't ask for much. But I did screw my A*Math.

I don't feel like studying. I've set myself revision, but I can't be bothered. Weekends are meant for rest. But still. I GOT TO DO something.

I'm sorry I can't update much these days.

He's not here right now, but he said he would be. Things are all so different.

I feel like I've just been emptied out or something.

Haiz.

XOXO

/ Thursday, July 14, 2005

My grades are falling.

For the first time, Robin Low was bitching about MY MATH TEST.

WHICH I SO TOTALLY KNOW I WILL FLUNK, SO SAVE THE SARCASM.

I got my midpoint formula right, and she said I didn't. I wrote collinear equals same gradient, she said I used mid-point. Then during the last period of A*Math, so had to bitch about the names of our curves.

Whatever. As Sharyn said, major menopause. She so totally spoiled my Thursday morning.

Then came the mountains of homework and revisions. It seriously put me off. I put myself off.

I will finish up homework by tomorrow and study. Yup, I'll make sure I will. So that I will stop feeling like such a loser.

HFFH finally managed to get together as one and head to Third Place which is sooo near my Grandma's. Had fun.. YuPing and Kelin are getting started on guitars, Sharyn's doing the drums, Brian's the lead guitarist, YanTing, Cat and I are vocalists. We're only starting out, and those guys at Third Place were more than willing to help. Lucky us!!

That's about it, I guess.

Life can be so shitty.

XOXO

/ Sunday, July 10, 2005

Mom, this is what I'm gonna say, and respect me for it. I'm fifteen, and I will stand up for I think is right.

You made me feel like one BIG loser when you started yakking, saying I couldn't do anything or get anything right.

You made feel like I was the most useless thing in the world.

I tried. I fell. I cried. But you still didn't appreciate what I did.

I left early and didn't send in my story for competition. You didn't know. All that was on your mind was to avoid the rain.

I slammed the door, and you hit me. I told you I didn't do on purpose. I wanted to tell you it was the wind. But the anger in your eyes told me you didn't believe me.

It started to rain. Heavy rain. I sat in the car, thinking. Why can't you believe my words?

We got to the store. You told me to stay. After 20 minutes, you called. You told me to get the umbrella and the car keys. I said I couldn't get the car keys out, but all you did was snap at me.

I was drenched through more than you after I sheltered you back to the car. You started grumbling, wiping the rain off inside the car. You showed me, in an irritated manner, how to take out the car keys. I just ignored you.

So I left the house early so you could get your stuff. I got whacked for that. I sheltered you back to the car and got more drenched to the skin than you were. I got snapped at for that.

So you dare say you appreciated what I did for you this time round?

NO.

You didn't. What was on your mind then?

XOXO

/ Saturday, July 09, 2005

Hey lady, where's your punani? My son is sick at home and he needs punani right now! Give me two! Let me squeeze it to see if its ripe!

Been around a lot of stuff - NDP, jamming practices and Embassodor thingies...

I'm debilitated. LOL.

First NE show today at the Padang for Primary 5 kids... It was just amazing.

Jamming? Singing "Almost Here" for Henderson Intermediate next Tuesday. ((: Can't wait.

Embassodor? Also for Henderson Intermediate. Excused from all lessons on Tues.

HAH.

Don't really feel like updating right now.

XOXO

/ Friday, July 08, 2005

Life is too boring.

Nothing ever stays the same.

Things change every single day.

Seriously.

No mood to update.

I'm sorry people.

XOXO

/ Sunday, July 03, 2005

Life can be shit.

Sometimes, families just doesn't seem so important.

Then you find friendships falling apart. You find backstabbers, right there, closing in around you.

And you know you're getting sick of this.

And.

I don't even know why I'm here.

But because of one simple thing, I'll live till tomorrow.

Think he knows.

XOXO

/ Friday, July 01, 2005

Will update. Now.

I don't know what to start with.

Oh. I got demoted to Chinese Band 2. Which is SO MUCH BETTER. I seriously couldn't take the China-HK high class crap they were yakking and going on about in Band 1. No go. Thank God. He heard me. Oh yeah, He certainly did.

Resolutions for Term 3? Study hard. And I mean HARD. I've been focussing for all lessons, telling every part of my body to FOCUS. To block off other distractions. So far I'm handling it okay. Best thing is that discipline's there.

Yuppp.

Oh, and jamming today sucked balls. Mr Said kept stopping me cuz pitching was off and all. Why does it always turn out to be this way??? It really put me off.

In the end, Ernna's gonna sing "Freedom" with Mr Said and Dalini, and I'm gonna do a duet with her for "Almost Here".

But whatever. It's for Henderson Intermediate from New Zealand. Not like its some big concert.

NDP tomorrow. AGAIN. To be honest, I'm actually getting quite sick of it. I can't open my yellow cloth right. I'm afraid of dropping my stupid stick. Tomorrow's the last rehearsal before the first NE show.

Shit on that.

I'm gonna watch Russell Peters.

XOXO

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