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/ Tuesday, June 28, 2005

I am half correct.

I said when school starts, hell starts, but so does joy.

But all I see is murky hell so far.

There was joy. But it didn't come that much. It didn't come the way hell came.

SHIT.

I have to STOP THINKING SO MUCH.

I'm stressing myself out. No idea why. *SHRUGS*

And this fucked up life feels so fucking INCOMPLETE. So where the hell is he??

Some say I'm over-reacting. Some say I'm paranoid. I don't care.

I put my phone on silent a few hours ago, and I got a phone call. God knows who. And after I put down the phone with someone, I got an SMS. I didn't get to read it. All I saw on the screen was, "Sure to delete?" I hit "Yes".

Even my phone is as fucked up as its owner.

School can really suck. And I mean what I say.

S.E.R.I.O.U.S.L.Y.

I really needa talk to him so bad.

My head's spinning, and I just realized something.

I end up having nothing in the end.

XOXO

/ Sunday, June 26, 2005

Using a white background means there are lesser choices of colors. I have to use darker colors instead of lighter ones.

Oh well.

4 weeks has just dissolved in front of me in a blink of an eye. POOF. Just like that. This is the part where you wish you could turn back time.

I don't know, but hopefully I've spent my 4 weeks doing really useful stuff. I hope I did not relax too much.

But all I remember during these 4 weeks is -
~ doing loads of holiday homework
~ watching Mr and Mrs Smith
~ staying up online till 2am till someone screamed
~ going for stupid NDP rehearsals
~ revise Sciences

Last but not least -
~ getting my first sunburnt.

But whatever. I hope I've done what I was supposed to do.

Still. Nobody knows the pain of waiting for the ONE. Without him here its like, an empty aching feeling inside. Which threatens to tear me up or something.

Tomorrow. All I have to do is just hang on there.

Hell starts tomorrow, but so does joy. I'm not gonna let her get in my way this time.

Murder spree, anyone?

Arrrrgghhhh.

See y'all soon.

XOXO

/ Saturday, June 25, 2005

What's with everybody trying to finish their homework before school starts??

What's with everybody asking me if they can copy my homework???

What's with people talking about wanting to watch that freaking show Initial D when their homework ain't done???

What's with people making blogskins outta the stupid Initial D movie??

Face it, people.

This is life.

LOL.

Okay, guess that was kinda bitchy, but hell. Whatever. Seriously. Initial D is like... WHHAAAAAATTTT??

Why not Initial A? Or B? Or C? Or E? Why D??

Had our first combined rehearsal [CR] at Padang today, which so totally rocked. Didn't get sunburnt cuz we wore those stupid white bowlers and when we got there the sun was about to set so... Yup. (:

Loved the rumbling sound the planes were making just over our heads. Sounds which vibrated my whole being and drummed straight into my ears. Wooooh.

Some imposter became SR Nathan for today's rehearsal. LOL.

LOL. LOL.

Can't for the actual day. There were photographers already. Haven't met any of the MediaCorp artistes yet, but Brian & Nisa had. Lucky peepo.

Anyway, I need my sleep. I don't intend to stay up the whole night waiting. But I'll be here somehow. Hehs.

Might have noticed by now that I've changed my blogskin. Cute, huh?

See ya guys around then.

XOXO

/ Friday, June 24, 2005

Ever felt like through-out your whole life, you spend 90% of your time waiting? Okay, maybe 95%.

Waiting for something to happen, but then it just doesn't? For some reason or other?

Even if it does, it won't happen NOW. And you just know it.

And yet you just keep sitting there, like a stone glued to your freaking computer seat, waiting like a fool.

Wake up, Debbie.

WAKKKKE UPPPPP.

Get off that seat. And get some sleep. You've got a rehearsal at Padang tomorrow.

Oh yeah?

To my conscience - I ain't no FOOL, baby. I know I have a rehearsal tomorrow. I know I have to get to sleep. And how did you know I was waiting?

Whatever you say.

I'm guilty. My Dad's birthday like, tomorrow. Since it's already 25th June now. 26th is his birthday.

I got NOTHING for him. I'm sorry Dad. I thought the ash-tray would do.

And he just gave me SUPPER.

I love my Dad. I really do.

Ever been through those days where you just wanna show your appreciation for someone and yet don't have the courage to show it?

I wish my conscience would just SHUT UP. It's like saying I got no courage.

Go away.

I'm waking up at 10am tomorrow.

XOXO

/ Friday, June 24, 2005

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I'm not moaning because I haven't completed my homework. Okay, maybe 99% is done, but I haven't sent in my History and downloaded Physics from Elearning.

I'm moaning, because I'm just wondering...

WHY ARE THERE BLACK MARKS ON MY FEET?? MORE THAN THE PREVIOUS TIME???

Something is wrong with my skin, peeeeepo. I have the cream for it, but Mom says it's not really getting any effect.

But like Good Charlotte sang, "I JUST WANNA LIIIIIIIVVVVE!!"

Seriously.

Just let me live and enjoy my teenage life. Before it's all OVER.

More later.

XOXO

/ Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Sometimes, time just seems to fly.

Sometimes, time just passes you by.

Sometimes, time can seem so slow.

Sometimes, I don't know how to go with the flow.

I really don't.

When I watch the hands of time move, its like I'm caught in a moment. Like everything's frozen.

When I don't watch the time, it just runs right past me. And before you even know it, it's time to go.

I keep feeling that way.

I don't know what is wrong with me.

Oh yeah, and guys? Visit this link. It should open up into your Media Player. It's gon play for 45 minutes, so sit back and watch.

www.letsget.bz/fun/Russell%20Peters.wmv

You're gonna laugh upside down, trust me.

No mood for bloggin' now. Seriously.

Cause somebody stepped across my line again.

She's gon hurt REAL BADDDDD.

XOXO

/ Monday, June 20, 2005

June Holiday Tip:

Never, EVER, [if you're one of the studious types] finish your homework in the first three weeks.

Always, and I mean it, always, leave it to the last week.

I finished my homework in the first three weeks. Now I have one more week to kill. And I don't know what to do.

Can life any get more boring than this??

Oh, and I'm proud to say I've got sunburnt for the first time EVER.

Well, sorta sunburnt. Just that my upper face was red, then it turned black. I had to wear a cap when I went for a dinner outside yesterday.

I had no face to meet anybody.

Hmmm.

XOXO

/ Saturday, June 18, 2005

The weather had obviously something against all 400+ of us.

The heat at the Padang was INTENSE, and I mean it. The sun was just RIGHT ABOVE OUR HEADS.

The places were too crammed.

We didn't bring our bowlers.

I dropped my stick.

Now I have slight sunburn on my cheeks and nose. And I'm officially diagnosed with FLU.

Yet I'm blogging.

Yeah, Deb, go on. Rot away. That's the way to go.

Dammit.

One more time mucus drips, Imma stuff the whole box up this goddamned nose.

So why is the air-con still on?

My nose will fall off anytime tomorrow. But I'll never be Imma-Wasted-Freak like Mikey. Mikey the Second.

*PUKES*

I just swallowed a Panadol. It seems to be stuck in my throat. Seems like I've not mastered the technique of swallowing a freaking pill.

I needa rest early, but I wanna wait up for *him*.

Let's just see how long I can hold out.

XOXO

/ Friday, June 17, 2005

Bio was supposed to be at 8.30am.

I reached school at 8am.

WHY?

I got the time wrong. Ended up sitting at the library comp with at least seven basketballers around me. Ugh.

Chandran gave us a test on blood circulatory system. I failed, as usual.

In the middle of the test I felt so light-headed. BLOOD just could not rush to my HEAD. I tried putting my head down. It didn't work. I stopped thinking. It didn't work either. I felt like puking. Seriously. The feeling was terrible.

Nausea and everything. Sickness and all. Churning of my stomach. Felt vomit rising up in my throat. My head spun.

I couldn't take it no more. I excused myself out with my water bottle and went to the toilet. Upon reaching I automatically leaned over the sink. An ugly noise seemed to split through air, and the next thing I knew, I was throwing up, trying hard to believe that that sound was made by me.

I stared at my shit. That came right from my mouth. My stomach flipped. My head pounded. I hit the tap, and it was all drained away.

I cannot count how many times I've threw up in my lifetime so far, but this is one of the time where I threw up without anybody by my side. I felt afraid.

And I really was.

But I guess after throwing up, I felt better. My stomach seems to be going through constipations and diarrhoea, but overall, I'm not gon die so soon. Right, Shehana?

NDP tomorrow at the Padang, probably they'll let us off earlier. I hope so.

Missing YanTing now that she's away in Japan. Kelin said she would be my partner.

((:

Thanks, I appreciate it.

Wanna get some shut-eye now, but before that, gotta upload some more new songs into MP3.

That's about mine.

XOXO

/ Thursday, June 16, 2005

I woke up at 12 today with my throat feeling like it was full of rusted pins and needles.

I woke up at 12 today with a sore throat.

I woke up today feeling like a loser. *SHRUGS*

I woke up today, at 12PM exactly, hugging my teddy, with a throat feeling like it was full of rusted pins and needles and feeling like a big loser and knowing I can't sing no more.

There.

I had WANTON MEE for lunch. I couldn't finish it.

I nearly forgot to brush my teeth. My brain's blocked.

I still tried doing A*Math.

I still studied Chemistry.

I still came online.

But I was too late. He left.

And I know I still can't sing.

XOXO

/ Tuesday, June 14, 2005

I was talking to an old friend last night, right up to 2.45am. No no, you needn't know who.

I was talking about life. As I talked, it started to make sense to me. These things about life.

My friend on the other line just passed each day, just like that. Without anything to look forward to.

But I don't think so.

Now that he's in my life, and almost becoming a part of me... I don't think life is to be lived that way.

Every waking day of my life, when I open up my eyes to see the world once again, I know there's something that's there for me to hold onto. There's something for me to look forward to, to cling onto. There's hope shining somewhere that someday I'll reach him.

But you know what the question is?

Question is, how long will be that hope, that something that I can cling onto, stay?

How long can it stay?

Am I supposed to run faster towards it?

Am I supposed to turn back?

Or now that I'm so close to it, am I supposed to hang onto it? And don't let go? Don't give up?

I don't know.

So how bout you guys?

XOXO

/ Monday, June 13, 2005

He's not here, but I shall LIVE!!!

*Stands tall*

Audience: I think that's quite enough of drama for one day, sweetheart.

*Sags down*

Right. Finally got to go out and chill with my darlings... Hehes. Well, mostly, they were. We all headed to PS to watch Mr and Mrs Smith. JEEEEZ. It was HOT. Sexy. Um. Cool. Fabulous.

Initially, [just talking about this makes me wanna laugh], HuiYang was supposed to watch Madagascar with Kelin. Hmm. Talk about being a man. Apparently HuiYang brought Gary along, and Kelin was so freaked out she got ShiYing to come.

So anyway, the tickets for Madagascar was selling real good and fast, so we all ended up watching Mr and Mrs Smith together, all 7 of us. Which is like, Sharyn, Brian and me and those 4 I mentioned.

In cinema my sixth sense could SENSE that HuiYang wanted to sit with Kelin so bad. But no go. HuiYang was at the aisle seat, Kelin was right inside to my right. Whoa. Too bad, HuiYang.

The movie rocked. Shehana, you missed it. No more second chances. Muahaha.

Yepp. And for the second time, I'd say, HuiYang, call yourself a MAN. Brian's the MAN okay? Get a tip or two from my brothaaa. HuiYang and Gary so totally split after the movie. Damn you bananas. Without a word. Hellooo? Kelin was like... -.- .

Anyway, I got a birthday and Father's Day present for my dad [obviously]. It's an ash-tray. Its like I encourage him to go on smoking or something, but no. I plan to paste something like, "This will be my last cigar" on the ash-tray. LOL. Know where I'm at?

And we all headed to Bugis after that, Brian wanted to buy a bag from this super cool shop. The tees were quite cool, actually. And then to Pasta Mania for dinner. Damn, my Beef Lasgna [SP?] was the last to arrive. Sharyn was tempting me.

Took 851 back home with Sharyn, got home at 8.30pm. Whoa. Scary. I plugged in my MP3 the moment I got down from the bus. It was pitch dark everywhere. But I wasn't scared. ((:

Called Mom to tell her I got home. She's happy knowing my homework is almost done. Wait till she hears about this - I can't do my Indices and Surds and Quadratic Functions.

So I'm calling Ai Shan after this.

And hopefully he'll be back tomorrow. I'll be here.

That was the day. Oh well.

You know... I can't wait to get back to school actually.

XOXO

/ Sunday, June 12, 2005

Before anybody starts wondering what happened to me... I'll update. =)

And change the song on my blog. And that means changing the lyrics. Haaaahs.

Seriously. I have lost my flair for poems. What is wrong with me??

I have forgotten Indices and Surds. I need a Math genius.

*ER HEM*

Yeah.

Now what was I going to say?

I forgot.

Greaaattt.

XOXO

/ Friday, June 10, 2005

If anybody knew I ate the whole tube of M&Ms...

Forget it.

I miss HIM.

Seriously.

Some poetic lines...

Lines of Santa Monica start to whirl in my head
As I think about the sweet things you've said
The music seems to be playing right beside my ear
Singing the words that all seemed so clear...

----------------------------------------------------

My world's empty and gray
My soul's clouded up in a haze
I can't find myself in all this confusion
Without you there is no completion

----------------------------------------------------

I have lost my flair for writing poems. I am so dead.

Ahhh.

O! 3, my love!!

"Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good-night till it be morrow!"

O! 3, my desire!!

OHHHH.

Drama.

XOXO

/ Thursday, June 09, 2005

I don't know what is wrong with me.

Been to the doctor's today, and found out that my skin is just sensitive. To SUNLIGHT!!

Ahhhh. Not really to sunlight, but its just that... Never mind.

And my mom had to fuss so much over one small problem. Jeeeez.

Anyway, I feel so drained out right now. I have no idea WHY. So don't ask, okay?

I was planning to fix up 10th Aunt's $500 MP3. Maybe tomorrow afternoon.

Mayyynnn.

Does that mean I'm not gonna do any work tomorrow??

No. I'm gonna do my Chinese. Oh yes I will.

I will try taking my mind of HIM. He was sweet though. Hahas. :]

I was also planning to stay online all night until 12 midnight. But that's far too scary.

I'm exhausted.

I will sleep early.

ZzZzZzZzZz.

XOXO

/ Wednesday, June 08, 2005

People!

I feel okay now, not to worry. Everything's fine.

My mom's giving me the cold shoulder, and I don't know how long that's gonna last. But still, I'm okay with it. And it's not gonna get in my way. And I'll just see how long she can hold out like that.

Well. Eng enrichment rocked today. We had chocolates!! Hahas. And teacher gave us props to roleplay, so our group did a scene from Macbeth, only that we changed it a little to create a conflict. Hahas. The guys' group was the best!! We were all doubling over with laughter and all.

Looked through the papers that we got for the Eng enrichment and stumbled upon some literature stuff, like lines from stories of Shakespeare and stuff. Copied them down into my poetry book.

Got online, studied Chem, and decided to feel better. Yep. There's no meeting tomorrow for the History competition thing so I can stay up late. Yupp.

That's all I have now... So...

See y'all around.

XOXO

/ Monday, June 06, 2005

I've learnt my lessons.

Not about the previous posts, but to keep my mouth shut and my stop my fingers from typing the questions that its answers will just end up hurting me and tearing my heart out. And I know I'm screaming inside.

Yep. And ever since yesterday's discrimination from my one and only mother, I felt like a piece of trash. Really.

And I'm sick of pretending to be okay when I'm not. I'M NOT.

And sometimes I come to the point where I start to wonder why life can be so fucked up.

Like now.

Tho he's online now and assuring me that everything will be okay, I don't think so. Firstly, he cares more for the other girl than I do. Secondly, I don't things will ever be okay.

But he keeps telling me it will.

And I don't know how to go on from here.

XOXO

/ Sunday, June 05, 2005

My mother has been checking my entire body for almost every flaw, every scar, every imperfection she sees.

She thinks my skin has a problem.

She says my scars on my feet will never heal.

She says I should stop wearing the wrong kinda shoes.

And she wants me to take me to the doctor.

I'm sorry mom, but I think there is nothing seriously wrong with me.

But if there is, I would know.

After telling me all that, I feel like I can't face the world anymore.

Cuz I think you think I'm realllly ugly.

I have no more comments. But I have to say this.

I'm not perfect.

XOXO

/ Saturday, June 04, 2005

Before I start, I just want to say this.

Michael Jackson is a wasted freak. It's like Oh-I've-Been-Through-Ninety-Nine-And-There's-One-More-Sugery-To-Go-Before-I-Hit-A-Hundred-And-Oh-Did-I-Mention-I'm-Gonna-Be-Oh-So-Broke-Soon-Cuz-I'm-Being-Sued-For-Child-Molestation-And-I'll-Probably-Be-Jailed-Till-My-Death.

Mikey, you are seriously one wasted FURREAAK.

*SPITS*

I'm sorry, but that tasted really sour. I'm sorry for his fans too.

Well. And to Brian, the man, the P.I.M.P!! My god-bro since Sec 1... Thanks for helping me curse *her* at ya blog. Greatly appreciated. Now I'm gonna do this in return.

Let's rewind and go back to Brian's BBQ birthday party, aiight?

Brian's eldest brother is a total JERK. If I'm not wrong, here are the facts.

1) No respect and patience for his girlfriend. Call yourself a MAN?
2) Wrong attitude displayed in front of your younger brothers. Call yourself the oldest?
3) You eat too much. The food was half-cleared when I came back from the toilet.
4) You order your girlfriend around. Search your conscience.
5) I think you could do with a big mirror and hours of reflection.

I don't care if YOU read this and wanna look me up. Cuz if you feel like doing that, I guess I've stepped on your wrath and crossed your line. And if you feel like this, I guess the facts above are true.

Hah.

And I ain't doing this for anybody's sake.

More later.

XOXO

/ Friday, June 03, 2005

Maybe I should make the changing of my blogskin layout monthly. Now that's a pretty good idea.

I got my report book back today, all Bs and Cs. Everyone was kinda disappointed in me - everyone, meaning Mom, Dad, Aunt... Myself?

I'm gonna work hard, and I mean it.

That means no more going online. Damn. I've gotta let *him* know. There goes all our conversations. Shittty shit.

But still, I know he'll understand. :)

Oh, and speaking of which, you better listen up, motha fucking cow. You stupid bitch.

I saw *her* with *him* again. Doing Math at the canteen??? Are you kidding me??

I yelled these words when I saw them. "That's the last thing I ever wanted to see!"

I mean, hello?? I just saw plenty of Bs and Cs on that freaking report card, and now this??

I woulda said more, but I didn't. I had no idea what feeling sliced through me that moment, but it felt like jealously. Then rage. Then pain.

So when I sat down, it started to hurt. YanTing could still bring herself to LAUGH at my dilemma, Kelin just looked disgusted, and Shi Ying was expressionless. So I phoned up Shehana. Told her. Got off the phone.

You fucking piece of shit. You're so lowly, I have no more words for you.

Grow up.

You have such a pretty name, but gurl, guess what? You're so ruining it.

XOXO

/ Thursday, June 02, 2005

God. Why the hell am I singing "Lonely" now??

But hey. I will be. After tomorrow.

Well well. Ready for tomorrow, people? I don't think I am. I'll probably start seeing Cs and Ds on the report slip. But the comments will be good. Lol. But I know I'm gonna be like, somewhere at the bottom of the class. Kinda nervous talking about it now. No turning back time. Still, I'm gonna work doubly hard.

Anyway, today we had combined choir rehearsals with the other schools at SAFTI MI, some military place, as I said. Well, something happened that really put me off. Disgusted all of us. Yep, it went like this.

We were all dancing to "Let's Get It Started" by the Black Eyed Peas and for your info, that's the opening song for National Day. Anyway, we finished that, and the instructor picked a few people up to demostrate to us on-stage. There were some Bendemeer guys, some girls and guys from other schools and our very own Nisa!! The instructor said they had style and attitude, so we all watched them as they grooved along.

Okay, and we started to admit, that Bendemeer guy up there dancing beside Nisa is totally a hottie. Lol. Seriously. But I think he still can't be compared to *er hem*. Anyway, all of us were like, screaming after they all finished, and all the 3e2"ians screamed, "Nisa, you rock!!". Lol.

Yep. And after all that, we were given a 15 minute break. I was sitting there quietly, with YanTing by my side, and singing songs in my head, when I heard one big group of girls screaming from behind. So as humans, we turned around, and saw nothing. We didn't even know where the screams were coming from.

So when Marailyn and YuPing and Ivy came back from the ladies, we all stood up, cuz I thought of dancing since the music was on. The screams came again, so I turned around, and saw one Ngee Ann Sec girl giving her handphone to the hot Bendemeer guy, and he was typing in something. At the other side of the hall, the Ngee Ann girls were waiting breathlessly.

When he finished typing, the lady instructor on the stage already saw it. She went something like, "This is strongly discouraged." and something more, but I can't remember.

But there are a few things I must say.

1) That girl must be either dumb OR
2) She must be a desparado [And get this right, HFFH simply detests humans of this kind]
3) She is lacking of love
4) She does her what her friends tell her
5) She has no mind of her own
6) In actual fact, it is already stated that handphones were already not allowed during rehearsals. And she was using it.
7) She...

I can't think anymore. All I know is, that was really wrong.

Anyway, the rest of the practice went well. Brian had a stomachache/diarrhoea session in the middle of the practice, so he went home at lunch-time. Brian, you okay now?? Hit me back, eh?

I wish the world could end now. So that I needn't go back for report book tomorrow. And put an end to all NDP rehearsals. But never put an end to his relationship and me. Lols.

See y'all around.

XOXO

/ Wednesday, June 01, 2005

By right I should be doing some holiday homework. But hey. I finished my History. Thing is, I haven't sent it out yet.

Oh. What joy. I'm getting my report book back on Friday. I'm gonna be like the 20th something position in class.

NDP training going quite well. Getting to know the steps better and better. Yeah. Hopefully when the time comes, we'll all be there.

Know what? YanTing, I think you're right. Probably you are. He might be a silent reader, reading my blog entries. Yeah. And if you're reading this right now and you know who you are, I'm glad. That saves me from spelling it all out. =)

He's been starting to send me SMSes. 2 or 3, so far. Thing is, I wanna know what all this can mean. It's either nothing, the Oh-I-Sent-An-SMS-Cuz-I'm-Bored, or is it something, the I-Actually-Have-Something-To-Say-But-I-Have-No-Idea-How-To-Spell-It-Out ??

I don't know. Don't ask.

But I wish I knew though.

XOXO

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