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/ Tuesday, May 31, 2005

I'll blog a bit, then I'll go.

Right.

I have yet to ask Chandran why the time-slots for Pure Bio are clashing with NDP rehearsals. Nisa, Hazirah and Wan Peng look as if they don't give a shit enough.

And for the Chinese oral thing, Brian, YuPing and YanTing wants to come over to do the recording at my place. Let's just pray that Ming Ge won't be around. (:

Yup. I have lots to do this week, but lets look at all this with a positive attitude, shall we?

Getting to know the NDP songs quite okay now, except for here and there. Hopefully tomorrow we can brush all the mistakes up. NDP kinda sucks tho'. But I guess the fruit of our labour will be sweet.

Seriously. I will stop fixing my eyes on the computer and WORK ON MY ASSIGNMENTS. I plan to do Chinese newspaper cuttings [at least 2], some Math homework and reading up of Pure Bio chapters that the cow's gonna do. Over the weekend. Hopefully I do have the discipline to keep my hands off the computer. But there's no use of me going online.

Face it Deb. Cuz he won't be there.

Simple as that.

Okay. I swear. I will do my homework, okay?

God. Just tell me I can.

Heys, come to think of it, YOU GUYS ain't that disciplined as me huh?

Haaahs. Anyway, start working hard okays?? We're all in this together.

Gotta go. Feeling tired and yawning all the way.

Know what the sucky thing is? He's not online when he said he would be.

Maybe tomorrow. Thing is, don't GIVE UP.

XOXO

/ Monday, May 30, 2005

My Holiday Resolutions:

Hold on a sec. Fuck. My life is in a mess.

1) I will stop eating Cheese Doritos. It will just make me fall ill and I can't go for NDP rehearsals no more.
2) I will link Brian and Kelin's blogs right after this entry.
3) I will ask about why the time-slots for Pure Bio remedial clashes with NDP rehearsals. Fuck that motherfucking cow.
4) I will do my History homework after this entry.
5) I will stop worrying about 3.
6) I will start doing Math homework over the weekend. I swear. No more Maple, kiddo.
7) I will cut out at least 4 articles for Chinese scrapbook within this week.
8) I will NOT give a shit about the Chinese oral thing, unless someone asks me for my opinion on it. I'll probably go, "Oh. That. Did that ever happen?"
9) I will seriously learn my NDP songs.
10) I will remember to insert new battery into MP3 for tomorrow's long bus ride to SAFTI MI.
11) I will remember that my life is not supposed the way it should be. Well. Incomplete without him.

Righttt.

Shan't go into details about the wedding I attended over the weekend, it would just probably bore you out. Anyway, in the morning it was a church wedding, it was cool. My mom was dead bored with all the preaching. But the singing was dead cool. Lols. Maybe Mom should allow me to attend Sunday Church. Hmm.

Weather unusually hot in the afternoon that day, but on the way back to Singapore, the weather had mood swings. It was sunny, and it started drizzling the next. Same goes for the trip up to Malaysia.

Seriously. I have to start on History homework.

Well. Today's NDP rehearsal at school was fun. Made a fool outta myself [as usual]. I'm sorry to say I've forgotten the steps. My bad.

Better eat my Cheese Doritos before it decomposes. Oh well.

Hah! And I remember - I will link Brian and Kelin.

Oh. And, I'm gonna change my blog layout over the weekend. Even if I said I wanted to do my Math homework.

Argh.

XOXO

/ Sunday, May 29, 2005

Okay guys. Yeah. I'm back.

I'm emotionally drained now. At first I thought it was gonna work out the way I wanted it to but, after hearing him out about him and his crush, I had enough. I knew I wasn't gonna win.

And inside, it nearly tore me apart. You have no idea. It's that bad. Seriously. I just knew, I wasn't going to win.

But I won't give up.

Won't update much today, I'm gonna watch a DVD my cousin lent me. PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. My house door is open. Ready when you are. Just pop by and take a seat. Plenty of space, eh?

See y'all soon. Sorry for the short update. =)

XOXO

/ Friday, May 27, 2005

Okay guys.

I will stop using "Okay guys" as my opening. So here we go again.

Um. I don't know what to say for opening but anyway.

Right. I'm in KL now. Yeah. Everything's going okay. Don't feel so sick now. I was feeling horrible just now. But anyway.

I haven't got bubblegum for HFFH yet, but hopefully I will.

Okay. Been pondering like mad on what to blog about. No idea, people.

Sooo... I guess I'll end here. Hahs. Oh. Check out my stories if you're bored.

And it's the holidays now. 2 choices. One, study hard. Two, slack.

For me, I'm gonna studyyy. Yeaaaaaaaaah. I'll make sure I'll be in top 5. In class that is.

Check out Friendster profile if you want the links. Hahas.

I'm out. Muahs. =)

XOXO

/ Thursday, May 26, 2005

If you think I feel ANY better after talking to *him* online and nearly blurting everything out, if you think I feel ANY better after eating my Mom's sandwich, you are so WRONG.

You fucking piece of decomposed shit. Go get a life.

Don't get me wrong. I don't HATE YOU. It's simple. ALL YOU DID WAS STEP ACROSS MY LINE TODAY.

Oh yes, you certaintly did.

Okay. Just WHO are you kidding?? You need a bell or something?? Do you know it's like WAYYY OVER MID YEAR AND YOU'RE ASKING HIM TO TUTOR YOU???

Do you have ANY IDEA, how MANY of US are DYING to CLOG UP YOUR FUCKING VAGINA WITH SPERMS CARRYING AIDS????

Damn you. Go to hell. Burn. And die.

Just how many guys do you want? How many times are you gonna hear hearts breaking behind you while you're living in your fucking place of bliss??

Just STOP playing and GROW UP.

I know this ain't explicit enough, but that's all I can think of. Don't get me wrong. I don't HATE HER.

She just crossed my line this time. And I won't let it happen again.

XOXO

/ Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Okay people.

I'm here, but I don't know what to say. All I know is, time is running out.

And I'm always the one stranded here. Waiting. Praying. Hoping.

I'm always the one thinking that something good's gonna happen to me.

But no.

It doesn't seem to work out that way.

Even if it does, it might be too late.

Right?

But they say, never give up on the things that make you smile. But what if it makes you smile one day, and leaves you to be by yoursef next? What do I do?

Check this out. At least 28 people are online on my MSN contact right now, and out of so many things he's doing, he is snoozing. I don't expect him to be up and being online and waiting for my arrival [ugh, wtf is wrong with me] but he could at least not SLEEP and like, TALK TO ME.

Cuz I'm leaving on Friday morning. Which means I won't be attending school. Which means not getting to see him and letting some other girl get him.

Oh, and speaking of which, Shehana, chill. That horny bitch will find another soon. Hopefully it ain't mine.

But whatever. I can't help feeling in such a mess, ya know. I can't HELP IT.

I do feel like some shitty arsehole. Really. Argh.

Somebody wake HIM up.

Okay. He just did.

God. I'm talking as if I'm ticking him off for sleeping. Okay, turns out he hasn't been.

Oh. Fuck this.

XOXO

/ Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Seriously. Seriously seriously seriously seriously seriously.

Seriously.

I don't think this is going to go anywhere either. I don't know what to expect next. Why does it always turn out this way???

And I'm leaving for KL for that freaking wedding which I know I'm not going to enjoy on Fri. So that means Thurs is my last day with everyone. Man, I can't bear to leave you guys. I'm gonna miss you guys so much!! And sad to say, *him* too.

I am seriously wondering how I'm gonna go on without him. Ever felt like one part of you is being taken away? Yeah. That's how I'm gonna feel.

Oh well.

Carpe diem.

XOXO

/ Monday, May 23, 2005

Oh well. This is the only place where I know I can find comfort in. This is the only place where I know I can pour out my deepest feelings without being interrupted.

He's not online now. And I've got so much to tell him. I've got so much to say. So why is everything not going my way? And there's only one word, baby. E.M.P.T.I.N.E.S.S.

One more week left to go before the holiday starts. That brings me closer to all the shitty revision I have to do. And soon enough you'll hear me rambling and going on and on about how much I miss him and all that crap. So you have 2 options. One, give me advice. Two, don't visit my blog at all.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

I'm going back to K.L. this week. For some wedding banquet thing. I may sound "delirious" over the email to my cousin, but deep down, its a totally different feeling. You know what going back to K.L means? It's a long story though.

But for sure, my mom will start comparing me with my cousin. Looks, grades, and all the shit you can think of. I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna change the way I am just because you want me to be that way.

I think people should just love me for who I am. And not discriminate me for who I should become.

Oh well. I just don't know what to expect next.

XOXO

/ Sunday, May 22, 2005

God. It has been only ONE DAY.

And I'm missing him like, hell.

What has got into me?

But I guess these kinda stuff always work out that way. I expected it. And I knew it was coming.

Seriously. I'm gonna tell you my true feelings, so don't start running to the toilet and puking and all. Hold on, just got an SMS.

Ooh. Sharyn wants to form a band after she learns drums during the holidays. Cool. We'll get it together somehow.

Anyway. Here goes.

I miss him. I miss him and all of his crap. I miss him being online. I miss him trying to make me laugh. I miss him sending me funny stuff. I miss him talking. I miss him laughing. I miss him irritating me. I miss him being there for me.

Everything and anything you can think of.

But whatever.

But still. I really do. Hopefully I can hold out enough to wait until tomorrow morning.

Not hopefully. I will.

And if he doesn't get online... I don't know what I'll do.

XOXO

/ Saturday, May 21, 2005

Okay guys.

Been basically through a real boring day. But I got our clique blog up! Yays. Click on the correct heart, and on "Head First For Halos" to get to our website. =))

Seems like the tagboard is the same as my blog and the other blog. Will do something about it, but not now. I'm just too tired. Seriously. It's the first time I've worked with such a difficult skin.

Just leave a tag to say that you were there, eh?

Yeah. Made my IC today. Was so happy when I saw these 2 words, "Free Thinker". I still have to stick to Buddhism practices but who cares?? I am a free thinker. Muahahas.

Got home at 11 plus, and was staring at the computer since. I know it's bad. But there nothing else I could do.

That's it. I'm out.

XOXO

/ Thursday, May 19, 2005

Right. I'm back on blogging, and honestly, I feel better.

Cuz Mrs Low passed down the final marks for the report book, I passed. 77 for E.Math and something else for A*Math. At least I'm not letting anyone down. For now.

So on to my social life. Tomorrow I'm gonna celebrate Cat's birthday at the Griller in Tiong, since so many of us in the clique are running low on money. It's gonna rock. As long we all enjoy each other's company and have a great time, that's what matters.

And sometimes when he talk to me of his interests, I wonder if he really wants me to know everything or he is just using me as a listener because his friends are not online? Or are we just too close till he wants to share almost everything with me?

We aren't that close, actually, until we can actually pour out our feelings to each other. Close as in, understanding each other, and knowing what the other party is thinking and doing without saying a word.

I mean, it's cool right?

Thing is, I don't know how he feels about me. So I wish I knew.

I do feel like a shithead sometimes, Shehana. But don't feel like that all the time, okay?

Out.

XOXO

/ Tuesday, May 17, 2005

I will not speak of my results today. No, I will not. You are not getting anything out of me.

Now shut up and stop whining.

As I said, today's DOOMS-DAY. Whaddya expect?

So when I got back home today, I tried to shut everything and everybody out. My Aunt was asking me why this and why that and I got so fed-up I just shut off. I bathed without a sound, did my homework without a sound, and slept. I can't believe I slept!! I guess I must have felt either drained or... Maybe I just wanted to escape reality for a moment? No idea. Still, I know, when I wake up, it's back to what it used to be.

My mom was sure disappointed, and my Dad didn't even ASK. But after a while, I think she kinda understood what I was feeling cuz it was shown all over my face. Yep, I was slipping into depression mode. I thought no one was gonna help me up. But when Mom sorta told me she understood and told me to work harder, I knew she knew.

Anyway, I know I've let a lot of people down, and most importantly, myself. I don't think I'm the type of person that takes failure like its the end of the world. It's not. It's a chance to stand up again when you've fell. So don't get beaten by failure, okay?

During the June holidays I'm gonna do something about my subjects. And for final year exam, I'm gonna be amongst the top 5 in class. Oh yeah. Always aim for something. Aim high.

There you go.

But I still can't help feeling in a mess.

XOXO

/ Monday, May 16, 2005

I'm supposed to memorize the formulas for coordinate geometry now but who gives a shit?!

I just turned fifteen. That's what you guys should know.

Firstly, all hugs and kisses and smooches or whatever to everybodyyy out there, yeah including YOU if ya reading this right now, thanks a whole lot for making my birthday a memorable one. Too bad there was no camera. Hehs. Next time?

But these people do deserve a great big THANKS: YanTing, Sharyn, Shehaha, Brian, Yu Hwang, Kelin, Mui Hoon and Catherine. And Catherine - you shouldn't have bought so much stuff!! Do you guys have any idea how much the pizzas and the bread and everything costs?? Catherine, you rock, don't worry. I appreciate it. And all of you, yes, ALL OF YOU, for what you've done for me today. =))

Won't go into detail of what really happened today, but what really put me down was the RAIN this morning. I had no idea what I did to deserve RAIN in the morning. See, we were going to Sentosa and of course we expected some bright, sunny day right? Yeah well, it started raining the minute I stepped outdoors this morning for choir. And Sharyn assured me by saying, "Trust the Lord."

And she was right.

It cleared up by eleven, but we had to wait for her cuz she was still on her Bloody Sunday project. We finally took 145 opposite our school all the way to Habour Front, then took a bus to Sentosa. Headed to Siloso Beach where we sat down and ate a little, and some got into the water, and Brian, Yu Hwang and me went cycling. Oh yeahs.

Thanks Yu Hwang for the present [sho cute] and the bicycle fee. Hahas. We cycled all the way to the other end, and stopped now and then just to walk around. It was wayy cool.

When we got back, Sharyn and Shehana were still in the water and they had coincidentally met Yan Ni and her friends. Anyway, they finally went to bathe, and when Yu Hwang and Brian and Yan Ting all teamed up against me to splash water on me, I gave up. I took off my shoes and ran straight into the water with an empty bottle, filling it up and taking my revenge. Muahahahas!

Still, do you have any idea how hard it is for 3 against 1?? And I was the birthday girl!! I got salt water in my mouth like twice [thanks to Yu Hwang] and my shirt and shorts wet [thanks to Yu Hwang again]. I will find a better revenge one day.

Lucky I brought some extra clothes, so I just threw on my shirt and my PE shorts. Lols. Then we packed up, and headed for the hawker centre just opposite Habour Front for dinner. It was the first time I stayed that late out myself without my parents coming to pick me. When I got back home it was already around 7.45pm, so here I am now, blogging.

And he is so not online. Dammit.

Oh well. Next birthday to look forward to is Catherine's. We're gonna go to Seoul Garden. Oh yeahhh. Fishy, you're invited. We really need you there. =) Hahas. Oh, and if you guys didn't know, Cat's birthday falls on 23th May, Monday. So get her a present, yeah?

Well these few days been having gastric pains, wonder if it's just me or just my stomach or just the hydrochloric acid or whatever. I think I've been eating at the wrong times. Oh well. Better stick to my usual schedule and not get carried away by other activities.

Tomorrow's DOOMS-DAY. I know, I know. I'm not reminding you guys, but, still, this is something you all gotta face. So let's face it together, okay?

Anyway, as I was saying, tomorrow's DOOMS-DAY. The day when we get our Mid-Year papers back, and check through it. Worse of all, the results. I'm prepared to fail A*Math [heard there are 4 failures], Chemistry [I know it was easy, but still, you never know] and Pure Biology [I think Chandran hates me or something].

Bring it on. I'm ready. To die that is.

Seriously, I don't think I can ever live through tomorrow.

But who was the one who always said, "Carpe diem"?

Me.

Live for the moment.

XOXO

/ Saturday, May 14, 2005

2 more days.

Somebody's turning fifteen.

now that was hard.

XOXO

crap shit/ Friday, May 13, 2005

I'm in such a mess now. Everytime I try to make things up and everytime I try to make things better and easier for the both of us, and everytime I start thinking its gonna work out someway or another, I'm wrong.

People say I need to chill. But I don't know where to start.

Even tho' I just had been thru' a great day with my clique, the usual people, I feel like some shitty arsehole now. I feel so messed up inside.

Maybe partially because of what happened between me and my parents, and also maybe he's not online.

Don't get me wrong. I don't quarrel with my parents. It's just that we always have this barrier wall between us. And however hard all 3 of us try to break it, it's always there.

I don't want to talk to anybody right now, but what can I do when people want to talk to me? I can't just turn them away, right? Sorry, Sharyn and YanTing... Just didn't feel like it. I know you understand.

Its like, so close to my birthday. And I'm feeling like shit? Just what is screwed up in my life. And you think I choose and I make the decision, that I want to feel this way? No. I don't. And I bet if you were in my shoes, you wouldn't WANT to feel this way either.

But whatever. Let's just move on. What has happened has already happen. It's not like I can turn back time. But I wish I could. There are so many other things that I really wanna do.

So today, as I said, we wanted to catch "House of Wax" which was so totally NC16, and when YanTing and me tried to get the tickets for everyone, it didn't work out, cuz the counter girl wanted to see our IC. We gave up trying after everyone arrived, meaning Sharyn, Shehana, Kelin, Catherine, Brian, YanTing and me.

So we all headed somewhere to eat - some had Subway, some had Mac, some had LJS. I don't know what the place is called but... It was kinda packed. Shehana brought her digital camera so we took a few shots and headed off to walk around.

We managed to psycho YanTing into buying a skirt [finally]! Girl, we ARE proud of ya. =) And we managed to psycho YanTing again and Kelin to wear some black eyeliner. We are so COOL. And Shehana totally changed my hairstyle. Don't get exasperated but, I have no idea how you did it, and as I said, it's like shifting my whole scalp and... Yeah. But whatever. I have no idea to make the side parting.

Slap me.

And we headed all the way to Heeren to take Neoprints! Yay. And Joe got me a pencil box. Well, he didn't go today, but he gave Brian the money to buy my present. And I've got nothing for him yet. I AM such a loser.

I will make up for it. I still feel like a mess, but maybe after a while, I'll feel better. Hopefully.

3 more days to go.

XOXO

oh damn./ Thursday, May 12, 2005

Man, you have no idea how much I've been actually slacking for the whole day. My people came over to my house at around 12 plus - Sharyn, Shehana, Brian, Kelin and Catherine. We were all hanging around my balcony and eating and eating and eating and drinking and drinking and drinking. I will not forget the part when Sharyn kept asking for COKE. I swear, I WILL have COKE during my steamboat on Sunday. =)

And man, you have no idea how much Chandran is actually RUINING our plans after the last paper tomorrow. Absolutely no idea. See, we actually had plans to get to PS to watch "House of Wax" after tomorrow's paper, and Chandran, our bootiful Band 1 Bio and Pure Bio teacher, out of so many things she could do, wanted Band 1 Bio students to stay back to check the paper. I mean, she only has to wait until 17 May, for cryin' out loud! Where the hell is her... Whatever-it-is??

Man, she is SUCH a COW.

She can just fuck off, go munch on grass and LEAVE US AND OUR PLANS ALONE.

Man... I am pissed.

But still. Let's just see what happens tomorrow. Who knows, things might turn for a better change. But all I know is, with Chandran around, there won't be any better change.

Believe me.

Oh well.

Catch ya later. Oh, and I simply love my clique. :)

4 more days to go.

XOXO

brand new start/ Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Okay peepo. I know, I don't wanna hear you nag but, I've changed my blogskin again. =) Heeehs. I think it's sweet.

Well, for me today's Physics and Pure Biology was okay. Surprisingly. Yep. No school for me tomorrow. Yays. Good luck to those taking POA though. And I wish my clique people would wait till the exams are over so we can play X-Box together. You guys are sooo leaving me out.

Nothing BIG happen today if you wanted to know. Well, maybe there was...

Well I came early to school as usual, if you'd say 7am's early. When I got there, Sharyn and Shehana had already arrived. I left my stuff at their place, and while heading to the General Office to get the classroom key, I saw *her* already at the parade square. So I went, "Wah, so early ar?" And she just laughed.

So I headed to get my keys and just as I was about to step into the parade square again, I nearly tripped because I wasn't watching my step. It was embarrassing, but that didn't really matter. Initially, I thought I saw *him*. As usual, I didn't have my glasses on so I couldn't really see. But when I got closer, I was right. It was indeed *him*.

Well I had no idea what kinda feeling started to bubble through me, but I just walked up to them cuz my bag was there, stooped down to get something. It occured to me then and there that *she* actually asked *him* to come early to teacher *her* Physics. And there *he* was, sitting so close to *her* I nearly screamed.

But anyway, I bent down and casually said as I took my file out of my bag, "Now I know why you're so early." *She* just looked up and laughed. *He* kinda half-looked up and me and smiled. I walked away.

I tried not to give a shit about what was happening over there at my place where I sat during morning assemblies, but then there was just this irritating and bugging feeling that didn't go away.

But whatever. I don't really care now.

That's all for today. That's all for the first entry.

5 more days to go.

XOXO

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